Lahoma's Lament

Journals R14 Release tonight, Midnight EST (9PM PST)

2007-11-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

Journals R14 Release tonight, Midnight EST (9PM PST) :

Tags: Journals R14 Release, AOL: Special Interest-Journals Cafe

We all must leave something behind.

2007-11-14T02:09:00.000-08:00

I had a hard time getting the post an entry link to work. Could AOL be adding some new features or just being a pain in my butt?

Well, anyway, I'm here, and desperately trying to make an entry but can't think of a thing.

Oh, I know. We read in the newspaper yesterday that a 60+ year old Helicopter pilot was killed in Charleston, WV. He had just taken the patient into the hospital and on his way back to the chopper, the wind changed direction and blew the chopper blade down slicing have his head off, killing him instantly. Just terrible!!! God rest his soul!

It's been raining at night only, for about three days now and then today, it rained all day. To look out the window you would think it was cold, but it wasn't. It got close to 60.

I over did it cleaning Sunday. (and didn't really do a lot) Woke up crying Monday morning because it hurt to move. It felt like every bone from my lower back down to my ankles were in a vise grip crushing my bones. It was awful!

I love Aleve pain pills. Especially the new gel caps. They do me more good than the Oxycodone the Dr. gives me, plus the Aleve doesn't make me puke.

I contacted my chemo angels and we have been getting to know one another through emails. Kim and Misti are their names and they both are wonderful women with beautiful families. They have shared their home and families with me through letters, cards and photo's. I save everything they send because it always puts a smile on my face.

I pray God continues to bless Chemo Angels. They really do make a difference.

I've gotten the Christmas spirit early. I wanna get a live tree this year. And buy more ornaments and lots more lights. I ordered some Christmas decorations/stickers that you stick on your windows. Can't wait to get those.

Gotta get someone to clean my windows for me first though.

I heard a lady say the other day that "We all should leave something of us behind." It's been on my mind every day since.

Did any of you read the AOL article about the guy that married the dog? He said he did it because of his guilt from stoning two other dogs to death in the past. UNREAL!!!

Have a Blessed Day

Tags: MAN MARRIES DOG, CHEMO ANGELS, PILOT KILLED

Men and their Toys

2007-11-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

Wanted to share something I thought was really funny.

There's this guy we know that sales trinkets and what not beside the road. We usually stop and see what he has a few times a month. Last time we were there I noticed a red truck sitting in the parking lot that had lots of stickers on it's back window. One of them said, "My other toy has tits." I put Robert up to ask him if his other toy was a blow up doll. hee hee

He wouldn't! party pooper!

Spaghetti and meatballs for breakfast?

2007-11-03T03:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm up at 6 am eating! Last night Robert made a pot of his made from scratch spaghetti and meatballs. I pigged out then and just now finished another large helping a few minutes ago. It's so good! I hope I can hold it down. So far, so good.

I went to the hospital around 3 PM on Thursday to get three bags of platelets and two bags of blood. I didn't get released until almost 11 am Friday. Plus I had to go three days straight to get a shot of leunasta (sp). It's to help build my white cell count. Mine was down to 1.4. The shot makes me so sick and my bones hurt even worse than without it. And the shot itself is so very painful. Both my arms are sore and tender to the touch. We had problems with the IV so my left arm is so sore I can't stretch it out straight.

I'm doing pretty good with quitting smoking. Only had a few relapses. Still, I think I'm doing good since I'm doing it cold turkey. Hardest times are after a meal or if I become upset/angry.

I had Robert take my truck to H.C. Lewis to get new tires and a front end alignment. Almost $300 for tires! Soon as the tires were off, the mechanic came in and said they couldn't do an allignment because the ball joint is going bad on the passenger side and my steering box is going out. Very expensive problems. A rebuilt steering box and labor will be almost $400!

Is it just me and my luck or does it seem like something like this always happens on or around Christmas for anyone else?

My aunt Debbie has offered to go with me for the two months that I will need a caregiver during the transplant. Now Robert says he's not staying here and catering to Cameron while I'm in the hospital. So selfish! I can't win for losing.

Why can't they put me and my healthfirst for once and work with me on this?

Dawn, I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls. Don't give up on me. I just haven't felt very sociable. I love you and say Hi to Bob for me.

Wish I had some new pictures to post but I haven't felt like doing that either. Plus, I keep forgetting to take my camera with me.

I'm off to bed. God Bless you all with a Happy and pain free weekend. And don't forget to change your clocks back. I heard that some peoples computers and clocks reset their time a week early. Mine didn't!

Tags: time change

Oh...My...Lord!

2007-10-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

Cameras to aid lion search

THE REGISTER-HERALD (BECKLEY, W.V.)

LEWISBURG, W.V. — Animal control officials say cameras will be installed on a tract of land in north-central Greenbrier County to document a hunter's claims that a free-roaming African lion has made a home near Cold Knob.

County officials are dealing with the unusual scenario because exotic animals do not come under the jurisdiction of the state Division of Natural Resources, county animal control officer Robert McClung said.

Motion-sensitive video cameras owned by the state Department of Environmental Protection and used to catch litterbugs and still cameras used by hunters could be placed on trees at Big Roaring Creek, he said.

“For the sake of the public’s safety, we need to confirm this,” McClung said. “If we can confirm that it’s a lion, plans are being made to use a bear trap to capture it.”

McClung said if the big cat is eventually captured, it will be turned over to the Tiger Mountain Refuge in Rainelle, a nonprofit group that takes in abandoned exotic pets.

While bow hunting last week on his 40-acre tract at Big Roaring Creek, Jim Shortridge, 72, of Frankford, said he watched the 300-pound male lion for about 40 minutes.

The Register-Herald, Beckley, W.V.

Is it a bear, a monkey, or BIGFOOT?

2007-10-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

I have got to get to bed. I've sat here for way too long tonight reading journals and news links. Oh, and trying to update my Norton's. Looks like I'll have to purchase another years subscription. Robert said he'll give me the money for it tomorrow. At least I'm getting a 40% discount because I already have an older version installed on my computer. So, that's a good thing.

Some of you had asked why Cameron can't stay with Robert. Robert will be with me two of the three months of getting the bone marrow transplant because I have to have a 24 hour caregiver and I won't be in the hospital but next door to it in an apartment they provide through the family house. It's like a Ronald McDonald House.

All of my family and Cameron's father know that I need a care giver and that Cameron has no place to stay but none of them have offered, even when asked, to do either. They just don't care. Cameron doesn't even hear from his Dad on birthdays and holidays.

I could take him with me but that means he'd miss two months of school and he's barely getting by as it is.

It's his own fault that no one wants to take him in. He's 17, hard headed, argumentive, lazy, and disrespectful to adults when things don't go his way. Other than that, he's a good kid. LOL

I wanted to share this link with you guys and ask you your opinion of what you think it is. I don't think it's bigfoot, but I don't think it's a bear either. It looks more like a monkey to me.

Tags: Bigfoot

meeting an online friend

2007-10-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited and nervous!! I get to meet a long time online friend (Nelishia) next month when she comes along with her church family (all the way from GA.) to visit a church near me. Actually only a few minutes from where I live. I hope I'm not in the hospital at the time.

The weather has finally turned to Fall here after a few days of rain that California folks could use. Today's high is 55. We usually have our first snow around or shortly after Halloween. I'm not looking forward to that at all.

Robert's car finally died. It's the motor and way too expensive to fix. I wish I had the money he has put into that car. Thank God I have my truck, even if I'm not allowed to drive it. Doctors orders!

I wanna say thank you to Guido (you know why. BIG HUG) and all the new visitors and old to my journal for their prayers and concern. Thank you Connie for lighting a candle for me and sharing the web site with me also. That was awesome! But the entry I did yesterday about the buddy list had nothing to with journals, not having friends or readers, I promise. I wasn't fishing for sympathy, readers, comments, etc. There was no hidden meaning and I wasn't trying to offend or hurt anyone's feelings.

Does anyone else read the Sunday comics, specifically Funky Winkerbean? Robert and I became hooked on it when Mrs. Moore was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away I think three Sundays ago. I cried!

I hope everyone is having a good Sunday and may God Bless you all.

Tags: Sundaycomics, Funky Winkerbean

Buddy list and Foster care.

2007-10-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

I was editing my buddy list today and decided to remove some peoples names from it because 1. I never see them online anymore and 2. I never hear from most of them. When I was finished it was kind of depressing because now I'm only left with three people on my list. I don't know why it bothered me since I don't like to instant message anyway.

Last night I logged off the computer and got up to turn off the lights and go to bed when next thing I knew I was lying in the floor unable to move. I had passed out again. Cameron and Robert both were in bed so all I could do was lay there until I was able to call out to Cameron since his room was closest to me. Poor kid, it scared him to death. He wouldn't go back to bed until I let him wake Robert and then get the OK from both of us that I was gonna be alright.

On my last visit to the Dr he told me I tested positive for Rheumatoid arthritis. That explains why I'm so stiff and in so much pain. He also told me that soon my body would start rejecting the blood and platelet transfusions.

I still haven't found anyone to care for Cameron for two of the three months I'll be in the hospital for the bone marrow transplant. I'll be speaking with a Social worker Tuesday to see if they can find him a temporary foster home. I hate getting them involved but what other choice do I have? It's a sad situation. No one with cancer or any other serious illness should have to worry about such things. And neither should the child. :(...

Tags: Foster Care, Rheumatoid Arthritis

feelings....

2007-10-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

When you're already feeling bad/depressed and someone shows you sympathy, does it make you cry? It does me. Sometimes I can fight it off, but not always. I'm the same way when getting a compliment. I never know what to say and instead of saying thank you, I blurt out, you liar! or, you either need glasses or your're drunk. ")

I saw Dr. Craig for a checkup on Wednesday. He didn't seem as enthusiastic this time as all the others. Kinda scared me a little. I go back November 11 so they can check the nicotine levels in my blood,to make sure I've quit. :) I CAN DO THIS!

Since I can't be around second hand smoke either, Robert has to quit. We'll see...

We were on 79 N when Robert saw this and told me to grab the camera. It cracked me up until I started wondering if it was a real person. Nah, it couldn't be. Could it?

I've been really sick. I don't have the strength to stand up long enough to cook a meal. Even bathing myself wears me out. My house is a mess and it drives me crazier than anything else!! They say it's the chemo and that it'll get better, but I don't know. It wasn't this bad before. I just hope that I don't have to take anymore.

My great uncle Wendel Littles died of cancer a few days ago. Even though I wasn't close to him, I had a really hard time with it. Mostly because he had been prayed over and he believed he was healed and yet he died anyway.

My hair is coming back, slowly but surely!

I weigh 107 lbs and down to a size 3. I wouldn't mind this weight if I could just get toned up.

Everyone says I look awful, and I do.

God Bless everyone!

2007-09-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna try to make an entry. If I lose it, I'm not trying again until I get home. This is so frustrating without a mouse. I can just hover over something with the pointer and it clicks it on it's own. And this wireless connection isn't all that. I keep getting booted.

I'm sitting here now at 7:10 pm waiting on a surgeon to come and remove my hickman catheter because they say it's what is causing my blood infection. They came in earlier and tried to put an IV in my arm with me telling them that they couldn't because my veins are all used up and will blow. They didn't listen and they blew. Big surprise! :(

They think I'm having mild seizures.

I go over to the dentist office tomorrow. It's part of the hospital. I don't know if they'll pull my bad tooth or fix it. Right now, I don't really care. I'm just tired of the infections and pain.

I bought myself three pair of happy bunny pajama's and everyone thinks they are so cute. One of the shirts says, "It's cute how you think I'm listening."

Robert and hopefully Cameron are coming up tomorrow.

I'm gonna save this now before I lose it.

2007-09-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I was working on an entry but this stupid laptop has other ideas. just wanted to let you know, I'm OK! I have a bacteria infection in my blood and a cold that settled in my lungs but I'm getting breathing treatments and antibiotics so I should be good to go soon. I'm gonna save this now before I lose it again. Thanks for the comments and your prayers.

Home, again.

2007-09-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

Just got home today from spending another week in Ruby Hospital and hopefully, my last round of chemo. I go back I think on the 24th for a follow up. If the results from that are good, we move on to the next step (transplant) in 6 to 8 weeks.

500 matches have already been found on the National Registry and those must be narrowed down to the closest match they can find.

The first three days in the hospital I slept and never left my room.

Today, I feel great! It's all gloomy outside and I love it! As long as I'm home.

The photo's above will look much better if you click on them and view them larger. I was snapping pics as Robert was driving. I don't think I did too bad. I wanted to show you guys how the trees are changing here. It gets so pretty in the fall.

Thanks Carlene!

2007-09-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

Everything you need to know about getting on the National Registry and being chosen to be a Bone Marrow Donor.

http://www.marrow.org/ABOUT/index.html

Yum...nothin like an ice cold country time Lemonade.

2007-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

I think it's a lil funny that when I make a journal entry that is "Religious" themes I rarely get comments. I often wonder if it's because people just don't wanna know or what the deal is.

No biggy, just something I'm curious about. I know that I am on a Christian mailing list and the Author often goes overboard with the very long emails. LOL Gotta love him and his commitment and faith though.

We'll be leaving again tomorrow for Morgantown. I'll be staying for five to seven days to get my (hopefully) last round of chemo. Some of you have asked whether or not anyone could be tested outside my family. The answer is YES! Anyone can be tested.

If anyone is interested, drop me an email and I'll give you all the information you need. I'll need some info from you too. But, if you don't feel safe giving it to me, you can always give it to the nurse that will be contacting you, that is, if you decide to be tested.

Doc says that after I finish this last round of chemo, I won't have a lot of time to play around with. That we'll need to find a donor ASAP.

I wanna thank everyone that has shown interest and concern from the bottom of my heart.

God Love you Bless you all.

This Hickman Catheter they put in yesterday is being a real pain in the arse. I don't remember it hurting this bad before and I certainly don't remember it making me cough, being short of breath or feeling like I'm being stabbed in my lung. I can't even lean on or lie on my left side.

I called my Home Health Nurse earlier and asked if she would be coming out tomorrow morning since it was a Holiday and she said no, that it wasn't in her orders. But, if I needed something she would gladly come by. I told her the problems I was having with the hickman. She asked if it had been bleeding and I said yes. So, She'll be out tomorrow. WooT!!

I don't know if they are all like that but the two that take turns coming out to see me are nothing less than angels. They are so sweet, concerned, and compassionate. I'm not used to being treated like that so they often make me cry. (pity party) LOL

One of them is named Flora and I love her to death. She nicknamed me sissy and that makes me feel like the biggest ole baby. In a good way! LOL

Drive By Photo's

2007-08-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

Robert and I left yesterday afternoon for Morgantown. Just before dark a terrible storm came up and the rain was coming down so hard you couldn't see the road. A lot of people, including us, pulled off the road for safety.

I love staying at Hotels, the fancier, the better. Although, I have yet to stay in a "real" fancy Hotel. But, I have stayed in some nice ones. Winngate Inn is one of my favorites just because they have huge rooms.

My next favorite is the Waterfront, downtown Morgantown. The waterfront view is awesome!

Last night we stayed at Euro Suites, for FREE!! Not only do they have nice rooms and a bed to die for, but their windows actually opened. That's a big plus for me cause I have to have fresh air. And check out isn't until 1:00 PM! Too bad I had to get up at 5 am for surgery. :(

So, today they took out the central line that I've had in for over two months and was so very tired of. They replaced it, on the opposite side with a Hickman Catheter and boy, oh boy, is it ever sore and painful. And ever since I woke up from the anesthesia, I've been coughing and OMG, that really hurts.

I tried to get a few pictures a long the way but Robert wouldn't stop the car, so I only got a few worth loading. Hope you enjoy them.

Oh, and I have no idea who the kid on the bus is. He just wanted his pic taken. We were sitting at a red light! LOL

I suppose I have officially been placed on the National Donor List since my brother flat out said he didn't want to be bothered with it. That's OK, his choice, and one he will answer for later.

I've been thinking about getting a physical therapist to come out to my house and put a fire under my butt to make me get up and get in shape. But, it is just in the thinking stage as of yet. hee hee

I'm a privateperson and it's hard inviting strangers in your house, but I'm getting over it, slowly!

I'm thinking someone called my Dr's office and reported that I am being mistreated at home. I had Cameron with me. It was his first time going and the nurse asked me if he was my boyfriend. After I told her he was my son she asked flat out, "Lahoma, Are you being abused at home"? I was so shocked I couldn't say anything for a minute then I blurted out NO! Then she says, "How come I don't believe you"? I was so uncomfortable and I could feel my face burning, but she let it go at that. Or, at least I hope she did. I now wish I had asked her where she had gotten that idea from.

I can honestly say that, NO, I am not being physically abused.

"Quoting"

2007-08-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

"Click on the pics above for a few quotes and hopefully a smile".

The writer is Leonard Pitts, a columnist for The Miami Herald. Mr. Pitts was writing concerning a young man in the South Carolina Juvenile Detention Center. The artilce was written as if Mr. Pitts were speaking directly to this young man.

"Keep your eyes on the prize. Never satisfy a short-term impulse at the expense of a long-term goal. Never do what feels good in the moment if it's going to cost you something that matters a whole lot more in the end. The trade is never worth it."

"When people make investments, they are looking for a return, a profit. In your case, that profit would be that you leave that place and never look back, that you build a life that makes you a credit to your community as opposed to one of it's deficits. You can do that. Step one is to always remember: Eyes on the prize.

Now reread that and think of the Kingdom of God. When God makes an investment, He is looking for return, a profit. In your case, that profit would be that you leave that place of sin and never look back, that you build a Christian life that makes you a credit to your community in this life and in eternity instead of being a deficit. You can do that in Christ. Step one is to always remember: Eyes on the prize...our eternal prize Jesus Christ.

I Corinthians 9:24,27

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run that ye may obtain. But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any

means when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Philippians 3:13, 14

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

God has an investment in every believer. That investment is the very life and blood of His Son Jesus Christ. God does expect a return, a profit. That return and profit is that we live according to His Word, that we leave the world of sin and be a positive force in our communities here on earth and for God's eternal Kingdom that is soon coming and that we also multiply that investment in us by bringing others into His Kingdom.

What Mr. Pitts was saying can be found in Luke 14:28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?

What was Jesus saying here? Simply this: Consider the cost! How many things are done rashly that may never happen if a person just sat done and first figured out what it was going to cost them if they continued on the path they were on? Satan or one of his little minions comes along and whispers into our ear..."Do it!" "Do it!" C'mon and do it!" "Do it now, now, now!" The old adage tells us that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. The destination of that journey may be heaven or hell and yet both journies begin with that first step. The one step toward heaven is a step toward God's glory... the step towards hell is a step towards a lamentable story. Don't throw it all away so easily.

Never fall for the enemy of souls pushing and shoving. They call dope dealers "pushers" because they push you into the quick decision to purchase drugs. If you would stop and really consider the cost a person would rarely do it. -Wayne Stokes

Wouldn't it be nice to get this across to all of our youth?

Blessings

2007-08-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

On Monday I went to my Oncologist office for blood work. My white cell count was .7 and my platelets were .4. Both very low. Dr. Ahmed said I needed another transfusion so he ordered blood and platelets. They come from Roanoke, Va. so I had to wait until Tuesday but be at the hospital as early possible. Tuesday came and I was later than I wanted to be getting to the hospital because I had to go by the Jr. National Guards Special Forces office to drop off papers for Cameron.

The Dr. had originally ordered two bags of blood and six bags of platelets but I ended up only getting the blood and three bags of platelets. Which was fine with me because I had already sat there almost 9 hours and I had an early appointment in Morgantown the next day. We had planned on leaving early and spending the night in Morgantown but that didn't happen.

We did leave early the next morning though only to not even make it to Morgantown. We had just come into Chapmansville when we came upon some debree (sp) in the road that looked like large hunks of rubber from truck tires. To keep from hitting it, Robert tried to straddle it and it turned out to be a piece of metal that ripped holes in the gas tank (emptying an entire tank of gas in less than 30 seconds) and the exhaust. Luckily we were on a hill and the car coasted to a speedway where Robert called a garage to come get the car.

The owner of the garage came out to tow the car. He said we were blessed by the Lord on that day because the gas tank could have easily exploded. SCARY!

He fixed the gas tank and when Robert asked him what he owed him, He said, "I don't know how you feel about the Lord, but God Bless you both." And didn't charge us a penny! WOW!

He told us where to go, to get the exhaust pipe fixed and that cost $40. By the time it was all done and over with we were hot and exhausted from being out in the heat for about four hours so we ended up getting a room and crashing in the AC for the rest of the day.

I guess we were blessed in many ways that day.

Cameron got to fly in a C-130 troop carrier yesterday. He said it was fun until they went to land then his stomach went up into his chest and he almost puked. LOL

I've been eating a lot of fatty foods trying to gain weight. It's not working and my skin is hanging off me like an 80 year old woman's!!!!! OMG! I could cry every time I look into the mirror! What the hell can you do about saggy skin???

been a while

2007-08-04T01:15:00.000-07:00

I finished my second round of chemo a few days ago, been home almost a week. I was given a bag every 12 hours for seven days. I wanted to make an entry before I left but the phone lines had been down for two days. Verizon sucks in this area. I had them when I lived in Virginia and never had a problem.

It wasn't that bad being in the hospital alone this time.

When I came home a port a potty was sitting on my porch. I found out that a Dr. Bill ordered it for me. To my knowledge I've never met the man and I surely don't need a port a potty. The bathroom entrance in my bedroom is only about six feet away from my bed.

The day after I got home I had to sit in our local hospital for six hours getting platelets. I was in a horrible mood and took it out on the nurse in training because I told her the blood pressure cuff was too tight and she just stood there looking at me.

She never came back.

I go back to Morgantown on the 8th to meet with Dr. Craig for an evaluation.

My white cell counts and platelets stay very low. Dr. Ahmed thinks I'll need another blood transfusion by the time I see him Monday because the red cell count was low too. The guidelines were changed and what was considered too low before isn't now. I don't understand their logic.

I was finally approved for Disability. The Leukemia diagnosis is what they approved me by and they only gave me back pay from the time I was diagnosed, March thru July. So, I didn't get much. Not even enough to get me a better vehicle. Which I need really bad.

But, I'm soooo thankful for the extra income.

They (Dr's) have a home health nurse coming out to the house twice a week. I thought by her coming I wouldn't have to go to the Doctor quiet as often but I was wrong. My CBC has to be done twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. So, the nurse's flush my lines, checks my vitals, changes the dressing on my central line, and talks with me. They're nice ladies.

See the red on my chest? That's where Dr. Ricky yanked the dressing off and took some of my skin with it. I didn't think it was funny!

I'm back up to 120 pounds. :)

pictures

2007-07-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a few photo's that were taken while I was in the hospital.

I've had good days and bad days since being home. Mostly bad since I was expected to take 10 hours out of every day and spend it at the bluefield hospital getting antibiotic treatments for a fungal infection in my lungs. It became too much and I called Dr. Craig so he said I could quit. YAY!

The nurses gave the antibiotic the name shake and bake because of it's side effects.

I go back to Morgantown on the 18th for another bone marrow biopsy.

While there the last time I had two sets of Dr's that would visit me every day. One morning Dr. Moe came in and said he'd give me good news if I'd let him have my news paper. I said, for good news you can have anything you want. He proceeded to tell me that the test results were back and that I was in 100% remission. I got so happy I started calling everyone. Then later in the day the second set of Dr's came around and busted my bubble by saying that it wasn't 100%. That there are a few mutated cells remaining to be concerned about.

I dread more than anything going back....

I'm down to 113 pounds.

thank you

2007-06-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hi all. I'm back at the library and only have a few minutes. They want me back by 3 and it's after 2 now. Plus it's a long walk. I had my bone marrow biopsy today, a day early. Will have the results in three days. They had a really hard time because they couldn't find any of the liquid stuff they needed from inside my bones. Will be in a lot of pain for the next few days. Thank you all for calling me. Kim, you really brightened my evening when you called. I love you guys, all of you that are checking in on me and making me feel cared for.

I had asked my family to take up some donations at church for me so Robert and Cameron could come spend some time with me. They had my hopes up and I finally felt like I had something to look forward to, then I get a phone call last night from my aunt telling that my cousins husband wouldn't let her ask the church. And he was the one that got all holy roller on the phone and promised at least $300 plus the $100 he was putting up. What a hypocrite. I told her to tell him he could keep his money.

I can't think straight with the chemo and the morphine they gave me earlier isn't helping either. I'm sorry if I forgot to mention anyone. I love you all.

I'm so lonely!

2007-06-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

I am currently in the hospital library using their computer. I don't have a lot of time so this will be short. My mailing address at the hospital is the same but they have placed me in a different room. You don't need the room number to mail me but the phone number is different. Absent minded me forgot to write the phone number down to give to those who have been calling. So, if you call and don't get me, it's just because I'm in another room. Hopefully I'll be able to get back over here and give you my new number. I wish I could thank all that have sent cards but some of you do not give a return address and I don't have a link to your web sites. For those that are reading or know someone who has sent me a card, please pass a long my heartfelt thanks.

Thank you for thinking of me. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure just for the fact that I am alone.

mail

2007-06-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

One more thing and this will probably be my last entry for a while. Some of you have been asking for updates while I'm in the hospital. I don't have any way of giving updates and no one has volunteered so the best I can offer is the hospital web site in a previous entry. It has the phone numbers and address to the place. And I'll be on the patient registry so it shouldn't be too hard to contact me.

Mail can be sent to..

Lahoma Taylor
Ruby Memorial Hospital
Blood and Marrow Transplant unit
Medical Center Drive
Morgantown, WV 26506

info

2007-05-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

Where I'll be staying.

Hospital

and Dr. Craig.

2007-05-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't been getting any journal entry or comment alerts.

Dr. Craig called me personally Thursday to let me know the results of the Bone Marrow Biopsy. He said when the first biopsy was done it came back showing that I had 3% Leukemia cells in my marrow. That was less than 2 weeks before Dr. Craig did his biopsy and his came back showing that it is now up to 11%.

He said, What that means is that the cancer is mutating at an aggressive rate and we need to get on it as fast as possible. So, he wants me to be in Morgantown on may 30th to admit me and get started on the chemo. If all goes well, I'll be in for 3-4 weeks. God Help Me!

I don't remember doing this and the morphine they gave me might have something to do with me not remembering, but apparently I signed up for some kind of test while I was out there last week because a lady called me yesterday and told me the test came back negative (which is good) and that I'll get $100 in 4 to 6 weeks just for participating. WooHoo!

I wish I could take my computer with me. See, I knew I should have let Robert get me a laptop instead of the desktop. (kicking myself in the butt)

I asked the Dr. if there was anything I could or needed to do before being admitted and he said, Just enjoy your weekend.

Easier said than done.

2007-05-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know why Dr. prescribed pain medication makes my nose itch to the point that I would just like to scratch it off my face? LOL Does it do you that way? Maybe I'm allergic to it or something.

Anyway Monday was Cameron's 17th birthday and I found out the same day that I had to be in Morgantown the next day. So, I tried to hurry and get a few things done like packing and making Cameron a pan of fudge cause he didn't want a cake. He came home from school and we had just enough time for him to make a wish and blow out the candle then Robert and I left for our long drive.

We made it to Charleston around 8pm, got a room at the Ramada and ordered some dinner then crashed. Neither of us slept very well. Then we got up at 6am, showered and headed on out for another 3 hours of driving. We made it to my appointment with 2 minutes to spare and Dr. Craig and his team were waiting on me so I was taken straight back.

We didn't get out until after 5 that evening. Which I'm not complaining because they could have kept me. First I was given an IV after three attempts. Then we went back and spent 45 minutes to an hour trying to get a sample of my bone marrow. Which really isn't that bad of an experience until the next day and week after. God, do I ever feel sorry for people who break their hips. I can't imagine how they handle the pain.

After that I was put in a room and given two bags of blood and a bag of platelets. All during the transfusion I was being visited by different people explaining to me what I have to look forward to, the treatment process, the donor process, blah, blah, blah. Once I heard, "You'll be spending 3 months in the hospital" I didn't hear anything else.

Dr Craig says my bone marrow is mutating at an advanced rate and that at the moment I have Myeloid Displasia (sp) but at the rate it's going it will soon be Myeloid Leukemia. If they can get it to go into remission with chemo,then I will have a bone marrow transplant. If it doesn't go into remission, well, you get the picture.

I just don't know what I'm going to do about Cameron. I can't leave him alone for three months. I don't want to leave him alone with Robert and I have no one else. Plus, They say that while I'm out there for three months they'll put me up in an apt beside the hospital and I'll need a 24 hr caregiver. I have no one to do that either.

plus, I'll be charged $15 dollars a day for rent. That's over $400 a month and there's no way I can pay the rent here and out there.

We didn't get home until around midnight Tuesday. The next morning I was on the phone with family telling them about needing a caregiver and needing someone to look after Cameron for me. Guess how many volunteered? ZERO!

Am I surprised? No! I don't know why I keep setting myself up for more disappointment. Looks like after 39 years I'd get it through my head that they just do not care.

Cameron would kill me if he knew I posted these pics of him being silly. :o)

wish me luck!

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

I got a call from Dr Ahmed's office earlier stressing how important it is and that my life depends on me getting to Morgantown.

Well, give me an appointment already!

She has been trying to get me an appointment but she keeps getting a recording, just like I was until I thought to change the last digit of the number until i reached a live person.

Now we have the ball rolling and I have to be in Morgantown tomorrow morning at 10 am. That means we'll be leaving here in a few hours and probably spend the night in Charleston.

I'll be getting another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow and depending on my blood work, maybe another transfusion. I'm not looking forward to it. I hope they give me a port so I don't have to keep getting stuck with a needle.

If you guys don't hear from me within a day or two, you'll know they kept me.

critters

2007-05-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

On days when I don't feel like doing much of anything I enjoy sitting on my porch and taking pics of all the critters that visit my yard.

I love the one pic of the Hummingbird peeking at me over the feeder.

I been thinking about making a public journal just for sharing the pics I take. Anybody got any suggestions for names?

RAMBLING

2007-05-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little better today as far as the toothache goes. I still have swelling and a big boil right above the tooth that's bothering me, but I haven't had to take a pain pill all day.

The pictures above are of our dog Baby. She thinks she's a cat sitting up on the porch railing like she is. LOL I had just given her a bath and boy, was she dirty.

I guess I should have mentioned that the babies in the entry below are my second cousins.

I have this swooshing noise in my left ear and it's about to drive me nuts!

My energy levels are low. I get exausted just going from one room to another. Or to just empty the washer and load the dryer sends me running to sit down before I fall down.

I'm worried about Cameron because I'll probably be in the hospital a lot and I have no one I can trust to look after him.

He's turning 17 on Monday, the 21st. Most would say he's old enough to look after himself and I agree, but not for long periods of time.

His email is xxCCT1990xx@aol.com if anyone would like to send him a birthday card.

Oh, I just love the new picture options.

2007-05-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

I changed my mind about adding some photo's. These are pictures of the newest members to our family. Evan and Devan. They were born two months early and haven't been home long.

2007-05-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Wow, look at that. AOL made some changes to the journals. We can now add pics, albums and video. Isn't that special?

I have lots of pics I wanna share but don't feel like messing with it today. It takes too long for them to load.

I was supposed to be in Morgantown WV at 1:30 to start my treatment program today but didn't make it. I was up most of the night nursing an abscessed tooth. The entire right side of my face is swollen. I'm in terrible pain and taking penicillin.

As some of you know it takes me almost 6 hours to get there and that's too much driving for me or anyone on little sleep.

I rescheduled and the soonest they could see me is May 29th. They called Dr AhMed and told him I had rescheduled my appointment then he had nurse Beth call me and fuss at me.

I told her and him both yesterday that I had an abscessed tooth. He's the one that gave me the antibiotic and said that's all I need now. Talking about the tooth.

My platelets were down to 10.000 and he admitted me yesterday evening for a transfusion. Said he'd like to keep me overnight but he preferred I keep my appointment. Then I end up missing it. I bet he was pissed.

What could I do?

Anyway, I've been thinking about Kim. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. God Bless her and God Bless ya'll.

The will to live....

2007-05-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

So, I guess they're thinking that the stem cell transplant that saved my life ten years ago has caused this new disease. They are also saying that this type of Leukemia usually only happens to the elderly. People 50 and over but more so from 70 on up.

My brother and his girlfriend offered to be donors yesterday. I thanked them and told them I may not even need a donor because I'm not taking this new diagnosis serious until I get to Morgantown and get a second opinion.

I've been reading up on it as much as possible but what I'd really like to do is meet someone that has either gone through it themselves or with a loved one. Those are the folks that can really tell me what to expect. That is unless they are like me and chose to block that entire part of their life from their minds. I remember very little about my first encounter with cancer, that is until I read Kim's journal or someone else's who has cancer and something they are going through triggers one of my blocked memories.

Too bad you can't do that with people. I'd like to block just about every person in my life.

My motto used to be to never give up. I'd tell everyone I knew that had cancer to hang on, and never give up. But, in order for a person to want to live, or even fight to live, they must have a loving, supporting, and caring family. They must have a reason to live! Not everyone has that and without it, there's no will.

Just my Luck!

2007-05-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to write about any of this on here, but here goes!

When I first bought my truck I had the opportunity to get vanity tags. Everything I asked for was taken so I finally came up with JUSTMYLUK and I honestly believe I jinxed it because even though it's been a good lil truck, it sure has been through it and looks terrible.

I feel like JUSTMYLUK should have been embedded in my forehead.

Last Monday I had a bone marrow biopsy and yesterday I got the results. The Dr says I tested positive for Myeloid Leukemia. He also said no one around here can treat me because I have to have a bone marrow transplant and that unlike the stem cell transplant, I cannot donate to myself. So, now I have to find someone to donate to me, that is a match.

I told my family and so far I have two volunteers but both of those can't be a doner because of their own health issues.

I haven't found out for sure yet but I may have to go as far as North Carolina to be treated. I can't afford to travel that far for treatment nor do I even want to.

I've been thinking that maybe I should contact the make a wish foundation so that Cameron and I can do something fun and exciting together. A lasting memory.......Just in case.

When you cannot pray as you would,
pray as you can.
Dean M. Goulburn

My friend had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Understandably, her first reaction was shock followed closely by terror and all that entails: sleeplessness, anxiety, depression and anger.

What bothered her most, however, was that for the first time in her life, she was unable to pray.

"I don't know what to say," she confided. "I don't know what to ask for. I can't find the words."

I assured her she was not alone. I had also found it difficult to pray when I was first diagnosed with cancer.My biggest problem was anger. I was mad at God. He had allowed this awful thing to happen to me, and I didn't want to talk to Him anymore.

But as the shock and terror slowly wore off and I entered into my year-long cancer journey filled with multiple surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments, my anger ebbed, too.

I realized that God had not given me cancer. A misfire at the cellular level had given me cancer. A bad gene, maybe. Pesticide exposure, perhaps. Whatever had caused it, it wasn't God.
It was biology run amok.

God was right where He had always been, waiting patiently for me to come to Him and lay my burdens at His feet. He knew my fears better than anyone, and He wanted to strengthen and encourage me. All I had to do was come into His presence and ask.

He also knew that I couldn't find the words to ask for what I needed. I wasn't even sure what I needed, so how could I pray?

It was then that He reminded my of the simple bedtime prayer I had prayed as a child. "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take."

He also reminded me of the Lord's prayer:
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name."

I realized that my prayers didn't need to be original to be heard. In fact, God has given us many prayers that we need only to read or recall according to our own faith traditions.

Sometimes I just said, "God, I am so scared and so tired that I don't even know how to pray anymore." Then I would sit quietly and wait. Invariably, God spoke to me through my heart. He reminded me that prayer is a two-way street and that sometimes all we have to do is be quiet and listen. Let Him do the talking.
Listening is prayer, too.

God is there even in - maybe especially in - the silence when we are still and quiet.

God, help me to remember that prayer is a conversation with You and that sometimes all I need to do is listen. Remind me that, even when I'm silenced by terror and can find no words at all, You can hear what is in my heart. Amen

A little catching up.

2007-04-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

When Cameron flipped my truck over the hill, not only was he grounded for a month, I also pressed joy riding charges on him. Nothings been done yet other than a preliminary hearing where the judge explained to Cameron how important it is that he not get into anymore trouble at home or school before coming back for court. Cameron's been suspended from school twice since then and the court ordered an investigation on me. The guy from children's services came out and talked to us, asking a lot of nosy questions and then before he left he said he was putting in his report that there wasn't a problem in the home but rather at school. I'm thinking they'll tell me one thing and do another. It's one big mess and once again, this is what I get for asking for help.

On top of that mess I've been sick. Last week I spent two days in the hospital getting a blood transfusion, some platelets, potassium, and magnesium pumped into me. They said either I'm losing blood or my body has stopped making red blood cells.

I couldn't rest. They were taking my vitals every 15 minutes through out the night and the nurse was chewing gum and popping it loudly. I asked for something to drink and didn't get anything until the next evening, even though the Doctor had me on a liquid diet. I was tired and frustrated and ended up signing myself out against the Dr's orders.

They could only use my right arm for the IV and to draw blood and my veins kept collapsing. My arm and hand are still sore and bruised. I went back to the Dr yesterday to get my results and to get more blood work. My blood pressure is low and my platelets are low, and the Dr said something was definitely going on, yet they don't want me back until next month? Makes a lot of sense! @@

In Memory of...

2007-04-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

The following was written and read by Poet Emeritus and Distinguished Professor of English Nikki Giovanni at the convocation held the day following the tragedy at Virginia Tech:

We Are Virginia Tech

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are not moving on
We are embracing our mourning
We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry ...
And sad enough to know we must laugh again
We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing to deserve it
But neither does a child in Africa dying of aids
Neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of night in his crib in the home its father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destablized
No one deserves a tragedy
We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid
We are better than we think
and not quite what we want to be
We are alive to the imagination and the possibility
We will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
We are Virginia Tech

copied from the cancer crusade

2007-04-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

Just when the caterpillar
thought the world had ended,
it became a butterfly.
~Unknown~

Over the last few weeks, we've been discussing "survivor's guilt" and trying to define the term "survivor" in these weekly affirmations, and we've gotten some very thoughtful and thought-provoking e-mails as a result. A reader named Gail brought up an interesting concern that we had heard survivors discuss before, but we'd never thought through it enough to consider it for one of these weekly affirmations. Gail's question led us to think long and hard about the subject, and we decided that it is not only appropriate to this column, but also something that we'll bet many readers have struggled with. So here goes.

Gail wrote: "Since my surgery (mastectomy) and subsequent reconstruction, two of my friends had mastectomies. However, my friends needed radiation and chemotherapy, and they suffered all that those treatments have to offer...I always feel incredibly guilty when I see these women (and those like them) who have undergone so much more than I have. I don't feel the right to call myself a survivor when, in fact, my battle pales by comparison. Have you ever
come across this problem?"

Gail's question reminded me of other survivors I know. A friend of ours refuses to walk the "Survivors Lap" at our local Relay For Life because she says she "only" had a small skin cancer removed from her arm. Another says she doesn't feel like she has the right to call herself a survivor because she "only" had a lumpectomy and 33 radiation treatments. My own husband says that he's not sure he's a "real" survivor because he "only" had his kidney removed while I had surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

Children who have a certain type of leukemia often undergo more than 2 years of chemotherapy. I have a friend who has been living with cancer for 14 years and has undergone months and months of chemotherapy and other treatments about 10 different times. My own mother recently completed 35 radiation treatments for breast cancer, and my father has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and will undergo a surgical implantationof radiation "seeds." My best friend had a mastectomy with reconstruction, chemotherapy
and radiation treatments.

The simple fact of the matter is that, with a disease as complex as cancer (and remember that there are more than 100 types of cancer), the possible treatment variations and combinations are infinite! Also, suffering is subjective. What I think is painful, you might find merely uncomfortable. What you find intolerable, I might think is little more than annoying. If we were to require a certain type or number of surgeries and/or treatments in order to be considered survivors, or if we were to engage in questioning how much or how little one has "suffered," what would be the magic number or degree, extent or level of intensity? The answer is, of course, that we cannot go there. It's a pointless exercise and a waste of time and energy, and I don't know about you, but I don't have
any of either to spare!

If you have had a doctor tell you "You have cancer," you have suffered a psychological blow like no other. You have experienced an emotional trauma that no one who has not had cancer can comprehend. For me, being given the diagnosis was the very worst of the entire cancer experience. When I look back on my surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments, I am acutely aware that - while they certainly were no picnic - they were not nearly as awful as the day
my doctor told me I had cancer.

If you survived that day in your own life, you are a survivor, because being a survivor is not about how many or what kind of treatments we have. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with our bodies. It's about how big our spirits are and how we carry ourselves in the face of fear and danger. It's about grace and dignity and courage and heart.
I really believe it's just that simple.

By the way, Gail, happy anniversary,
you survivor you!

Dear God, please help me remember to celebrate myself, to look back on how far I've come and all that I've endured and achieved along this difficult journey, even if it just began yesterday. Remind me that it's okay to be proud of who and what and where I am today. No matter how my story ends, I am a survivor. Amen

Roger and Kathy Cawthon

The Cancer Crusade

email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com

web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

Click the link above and watch The Survivor Movie.

Death X's 2

2007-03-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

I think someone said there was a lunar eclipse tonight I dunno, I could be mistaking. I do believe there's a full moon though. I haven't checked but I'd almost bet on it. It's been a crazy sad day.

My 1st cousin Stephen (Batman) Chaffins died today. Well, it's after midnight so it was technically yesterday morning. Anyway, he overdosed on pills. Hydrocodone and Xanax. No one but his wife Tammy knows if it was intentional or not but she'll never tell because just a few hours ago she was found dead in front of the TV with his empty pill bottles on the floor next to her, that was just filled March 1st.

They had been married less than a month.

God have mercy on their souls.

I have to go and be there for them because they are closer to me than any of my other family members and I think the world of them. Stephen didn't have any life insurance and I've been asked to help raise some money for the funeral and burial. I was also reminded that when my father passed away and he had no life insurance, they stepped in and took care of everything. And they did, even a head stone. And I appreciated it even though I didn't ask for it. I would have handled things if I had been asked or given the chance. But I wasn't. I was told, everything was under control. Not to worry about it.

I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do or how to start. I have trouble asking for money for myself, let alone someone else. God, that sounds selfish but I don't mean it to be. I'm not good with people and begging makes it worse.

It was suggested that I have a Hot Dog sale and donate the proceeds but I don't know. I don't have but like $100 to my name and I haven't bought any of my own supplies and food items.

Any and all suggestions would be appreciated.

I know I'm not gonna make enough to pay for the entire cost of things but I would like to get at least my money and $100 or more. Gosh, Hot Dogs, buns, chili and fixings for at least 200 people, that's a lot of money. Anybody got a calculator?

I just keep thinking, two people dead, their souls most likely condemned to Hell, all over a pill, a high.

It's sad. And the sadder part is this makes the third person to die in the same rental lot withinthe past two years.

And Stephens left behind a young son who is now Fatherless all for nothing other than a selfish act.

:(....

I'm wore out and I haven't even started.

Do I sound as cold and selfish as I think I do?

@$#%&*&(

2007-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

I finally got my Valentines Day gift. It took almost three weeks to get it back from being resized. I sat here for what seemed like forever trying to get a clear pic of it so you guys could see it. The pics above are the best I could get before getting aggravated and giving up.

My visit with Cameron's Principal on Monday didn't go so well. Cameron was suspended for three days causing him to miss a test they were having that counted as half of his grade. The reason he was suspended was for destroying school property by tearing the eraser out of his pencil, refusing to do an assignment, and cursing.

Should Cameron have been punished for that? Yes! Should he have been suspended? NO! Especially when there's kids at the school getting caught smoking in the bathroom on a daily basis and they are yet to get anything besides a warning or in school suspension.

Put my truck in the shop yesterday and got the break line fixed plus new breaks. Picked it up today and was hoping to get out of the house for a while but that didn't work out.

Cameron and I both spent most of yesterday at the Dr's office. Neither of us got good news. He's showing signs of I think she called it pre-diabetes plus his blood pressure has been high the last two visits. He's 6'4 and 265 pounds. When you try to talk to him about how he eats or losing some weight, he says he doesn't care. Thank God for fear and common sense or I'd ring his neck. LOL

Me and my problems, I'm not even gonna go into it. I'm so sick of going to Dr's and on top of all the others I see, I now have two more.

The Dr I saw yesterday suggested I reapply for disability. So, here we go with this again. I've been turned down 4 times within the last couple of years and there's so much paper work. This time, I'm getting a lawyer so maybe that'll help.

If it wasn't for needing the income and wanting to support myself instead of depending on Robert, I wouldn't even bother.

I do know one thing for certain though, if I am approved this time, I plan on taking what I want and need and then walkingoff and leaving the rest behind, including Robert. I've asked him to leave several times and he refuses so what other choice do I have than to leave myself.

I don't care how good he is to me, if he isn't good to my child and I do nothing about it then what kind of Mother am I to stay with him?

Every single time Cameron gets into trouble in school Robert gets hateful with me and Cameron and doesn't stop until he blows up calling Cameron names like stupid, dumbass, or fat fuck. Then he tells me how sorry of a Mom I am, That if it was his kid he'd put his foot in Cameron's ass. Or he compares my parenting to his ex wifes parenting. Well, his ex wife had a daughter, not a son and there is a difference.

He told me once that he was stupid for leaving his ex wife because she was a hell of a better woman than I am. My answer to that was, if she was all that, why did you leave her in the first place and why don't you take your ass back to her? Oh wait, I know why, because she won't have your sorry fat ass.

2007-02-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

We had a small hail storm roll through today. It melted before I could get any pics of the hail but I did get these.

Robert said this one below has a face in it. I don't see it. Do you?

It's after 2am and I have a meeting with Cameron's Principal at 9am. Huge Sigh....

2007-02-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

My Valentine's Day gift still hasn't come in. :(

And I awoke this morning to a toothache. Not a good way to start a day.

Cleaned some names out of my allowed readers list. Mostly people that don't even read me, or if they do, they've never left a comment. One person was removed because not only would she ignore my emails but she has been sucked into the drama mamma's zone.

I'd read her journal entries and feel so bad for her and she'd always leave me comments saying she wished we lived closer because we had so much in common, blah, blah, blah. I bet I emailed her 10 times offering my hand in friendship and not one time did she have the decency to reply to not one of my emails.

I'm not gonna mention any names but when I think of her now, I picture a sheep in wolf clothing.

It's been so nice here for the past two days. The birds are singing like it's Spring out and it got me to thinking. We're at the end of February, spring is almost here. woohoo!

I wish it would hurry up, our electric bill was over $200 last month. That's the most it's ever been for 1 month in the entire four years I've lived here. And the land lord still hasn't checked the heat pump.

Pain pills are kicking in and my toothache has let up some. I hate taking Dr prescribed pain pills, they always make me hurl, whether I eat or not.

I was lying in bed brainstorming a few nights ago and came up with an awesome new screen name and title for a journal. Now I can't remember it to save my life. I need to start writing stuff like that down. But, to do that I'd have to climb over Robert to get out of bed and I'm just too lazy and the bed feels too good. LOL

I suppose I should get off here and make a doctors appointment for Cameron and myself, now that all the snow has melted. He says his leg doesn't hurt anymore but it's all puffy like it has fluid build up around the injury so I'm a little concerned about that.

I hope all that visit me have a great day.

Abuse in school

2007-02-20T04:31:00.000-08:00

This article below was in our local paper two days ago. It's about the Middle School in Cameron's school district. I'd like to some how get involved but not sure how I could help. I was thinking of maybe calling this Janice McCoure and letting her know that my son has also been harassed and made fun of because of his race. I'd love to see the B.O.E. get slapped with a fine, public embarrassment, or something.

War Junior High School Abuse
“You send your kids to school for an education but they can’t get their education if they are being harassed all the time,” said McCoure. Janice McCoure is an aunt of two students at War Junior High School in McDowell County. She says they are being verbally abused by other students. “Brianna which is the niece has been harassed a lot from people calling her the "N" word and being called a monkey. It’s just a lot of derogatory statements towards black people,” said McCoure. “Its just on-going and everyday they come home with something which is mostly from the school. Mother of the children Elsie Mcdaniel says she’s always taught her kids to be turn the other cheek and walk away but she is loosing her patients for the situation. “I'm not trying to start any trouble for anyone. I just want my children to go there to learn and not have to put up with any of the racial slurs,” said McDaniel. NBC Six contacted the McDowell County Board of Education about the problem. They said the incidents are being investigated but at this point its more of a he said she said situation. In recent months McDowell County School have been taking a proactive approach to bullying and harassment by introducing a pilot program called Respect and Protect. “It deals with the student code of conduct. In that code of conduct they know what to do and what they are doing to make good or bad consequences,” said Miano. Coordinator of the Adult and Student Services at McDowell County Board of Education Bonita Miano says student safety is a number one concern. “We're trying to do whatever we can to make sure that our students have a safe learning environment,” said Miano.

2007-02-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of AOL. Too many changes and the crap doesn't wanna work right half the time. I don't know if theres any better Internet Service out there but I'm seriously thinking of deleting my journal and whatever else I have on AOL and going some place else. A fresh start.

I just did an entry that was only three paragraphs long. I click save an get an error saying my entry was too long. Yea right!

Let me see if I can remember some of what I had written.

Cameron's been out of school for over a week because of the weather. Several of those days we were snowed in, couldn't go anywhere. We're all getting on each others nerves to say the least. Thank God it got up in the mid 40's today and melted a lot of it away.

Cameron went snow tubing over the weekend with some of his friends and just about broke his leg. He may even have a hairline fracture. We havn't been able to get out to see the Dr but he has a really bad brusie, a knot, and a gash in his leg. It's looking better every day but the knot isn't going down.

I've been feeling like crap myself. I have no energy and I can't even sweep the kitchen floor without getting so warn out that my arms and legs feel like they will literally fall off and if I devote a day to cleaning, I'm in a mess for day or two after.

Oh, and you should see me trying to carry in groceries. We have three sets of steps before you enter the house. At the top of each one I have to stop and take a break. Before the surgery, I could run up all three with both arms full of bags and then go back for more.

Since the surgery on my lung I've developed allergies and dusting puts me in an awful mess. My eyes water so much it looks like I'm crying, I sneeze my head off and theres so much drainage and mucas. It's a mess.

Plus in the mornings when I blow my nose, the tissue is full of blood and my nose feels like its on fire up inside. I mean, it hurts to breath.

Well, That's about it. I'll probably remember more after hitting save. @@

Hopeall is well.

Man, that's my Mom!!!!

2007-02-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

I tell you what, with my experience of being online, I seem to never learn my lesson when it comes to believing that everyone I talk to is a good person. It's a good thing I'm not rich. I'd fall for every sob story that came along and be broke in no time.

Oh well, moving on.

So, I got my new hair a few days ago (check out new pic in about me) and wore it out in public for the first time yesterday. I felt so insecure and bugged the heck out of Robert and Cameron asking, "does this look all right?"

While out I ran into two people that know me and neither recognized me. <snicker> Both said I looked good and that the new hair suited me.

Then later at the grocery store one of Camerons friends from school pushed the shopping cart out to the car and was putting the bags in the back when he leaned down and looked through the back glass at me sitting in the car. Cameron was helping him and he asked Cameron if I was his girlfriend. Cameron said, No why and the kid said she's hot! Cameron yelled, MAN, THAT'S MY MOM!!!

LOL Talk about a swelled head! Made my day to say the least.

sharing another email.

2007-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

As the days of Noah

I am thrilled seeing prophecy in the Word of God showing itself to be true on a daily basis. Years ago Christians believed that the Lord could come at any time. This was due to their knowing that the end times would be as the days of Noah. They looked around at what was happening daily and were sure they were in the last days. But they were wrong. They did not see many of the things come to pass that God said would come to pass in that last generation. The great majority of Bible scholars today do believe that Christ could come any time because of prophecies that have come to pass. We can read our newspapers and watch or listen to the news media and know that we are living in the last days. Unless the Lord tarries for some reason it looks like we are so close to His coming.

Beside Israel becoming a state, we know that it had to be like in the days of Noah. Israel is like a barometer. Israel is the measuring device for the times in which we live. We only have to keep our eyes upon Israel to see how it goes everywhere.

One thing that I have been keeping my eye upon is prophecy, whether true or false.

We can read Matthew 24; Mark 13; and Luke 21 to read what Jesus tells the disciples and us about the signs of the end. In Matthew 13 Jesus is speaking about the parable of the sower and explains the purpose of those parables. In verse 13 Jesus says: Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not, neither do they understand. 14 And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: 15 for this people's heart is waxed gross (grown callous) and their ears are dull of hearing and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart and should be converted and I should heal them (also in Acts 28:26,27). II Timothy 4:3,4 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts (their own wrong powerful desires) shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; and they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.

We are in that day. Many people are out there in the world and some even in the church that will not listen to the truth of God and His Word any more. They actually prefer listening to the lie instead of the truth. Why? Simply because the lie doesn't ask anything of them. The lie doesn't call for excellence in their lives. The lie doesn't point out sin or warn of death and destruction. The lie soothes their consciousness and lulls them to sleep. The lie works like a drug that zones people out and away from the truth of God. They want, desire and lust after what makes them feel good and the lie does just that. The truth warns people about the heavy and terrible cost of heavy drinking, drug abuse, smoking, unprotected sex, adultery, fornication, cheating, stealing, lying, etc., all manifestations of sin.

Recently Slyvia Brown, renowned "psychic" has been under fire from the media for her lying prophecies. She told the parents of the eldest of two kidnapped boys that were recently found and in the news, that their son was dead. She offered to use her psychic abilities to locate the boys body. All for her going rate of course. There were several other predictions of hers that proved to be wrong. In spite of her very flawed track record, people are still flooding her web site, flocking to her seminars, buying her many books and seeking her advice on the Montel Williams Show once a week.

Why? Why are people flocking around this woman? Basically because they have found someone that tells them pretty much want they want to hear. The great majority of what she tells people is comforting to them. Even in the case of this young boy that was kidnapped. The mom and dad had some relief thinking their son was dead and was not in the clutches of some maniac (which he actually was). Ms. Brown continually tells people how their loved ones that have recently passed away are all in heaven and their life is great. Like they are having one big party. This causes people to feel better because they do not want to believe that there is really a hell out there that sinners end up in. Upon being asked questions she informs people of when they will get married (and to whom), when they will have children (and what gender the child will be) all the way down to what is the "theme" or main mission of their life, and what career should they partake of, and when will it all happen. They seek her advice on the "ghosts" and such they say are in their homes. She teaches people how to get in touch with their psychic abilities and how to nurture them because they are "gifts from God." She explains to people how their family members are all better off where they are now, telling them that there is no such place as hell, there is no devil and there are no demons. Ms. Brown recently told a woman about the "ghosts" in her home and explained that one of them was a young man that really read his Bible all the time and sought the Bible for counsel in how to live his life. She then explained to the audience that people who rely on the Bible like this are fanatics and it is religious fanatics like them that cause so much trouble in the world today. The people applauded very enthusiastically. In one sentence Slyvia placed Christians in the same group as Muslims terrorists.

A young woman that took some photos and had what looked like the number 666 glowing in a red orange color, asked her if this was the devil or a demon. Brown told her that she would say it again that there are no demons and there is no devil. She has explained that this was an invention of Christian ministers to keep people inline by using fear. She went on to explain that the number 666 is not the number of anti-Christ or Satan. She told them all how John wanted to expose Nero, leader of the Roman Empire for being evil. He did not want to write Nero's name so he used 666 instead because that number was actually the address number of where Nero lived. So the number 666 is just a metaphor for evil according to her. She also put aliens (extra-terrestrials) in among the other stuff and explained how they come here just to check on us and help us (a picture of salvation). My heart breaks for these people that want information and closure on some event in their lives and they are seeking out a false prophet and a liar. They see or hear something that they cannot explain or understand so they go to a psychic because they feel they can trust them.

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Like carnival sideshow workers, what people call "carnies," Ms. Brown is well versed in the "tricks of the trade." While speaking to people she works info out of them without their paying any attention to it at all. She continually plugs her books, her web site and seminars, and her info phone numbers in which anyone can listen to her "inspirational" phone messages or call in for her consultations. She is well trained in what she does and it would not surprise me if she is under the influence of the demonic. Brown appears to be listening to other wordily entities then gives the person the answer to their question. She tells people how to get in touch with their spirit guides and even tells them the name of their "angel." She claims to have these "powers" by the gifting of God and through the Holy Spirit. She is a blasphemer. She tells people exactly what their itching ears want to hear. Their hearts are growing cold towards the one true living God. Another thing that I have mentioned before is her continually trying to bring people into agreement with her. "Do you understand me?" "Do you know what I am saying?" We are warned in the Word that the things of God and of the devil cannot agree. We are told that we cannot partake of the cup and table of God and the devil. We will belong to one or the other...we will be one or the other...not both!

This is all heading towards real Christians being looked down upon and persecuted because we do not tell them the "truth" and argue with what the psychics tell them. What we have to tell them about Christ and His Word is totally opposite to what they have come to accept and believe. When we speak to people that are ingrained with Satan's lies we must follow what Jesus says in His Word. In Matthew 17:21 Jesus instructs the disciples about casting out a demonic spirit that they could not cure. Jesus said unto them: "Howbeit (however) this kind goeth not out but by prayer or fasting." Prayer and fasting is preparing ourselves and filling ourselves with Christ and obedience to Him.

We as believers in Christ Jesus, must be prepared to do the work of the Lord at a moments notice. We must be ready in season and out of season. These people believe in these false prophets and believe and trust in their prophecies. We need to be living the Christ life, the Christian life, that we can minister Christ to these people that are under Satan's lying influences. I will close with some very informative Scripture that can help us in this war against evil. Lets remember that our war is not against the flesh. We are not fighting with the Slyvia Browns of the world but with the powers and principalities that are at work powering and using her for their lying agenda.

II Corinthians 6
We are workers together with God, so we beg you: Do not let the grace of God be for nothing. God says, At the right time I heard your prayers. On the day of salvation I helped you. I tell you that the "right time" is now, and the "day of salvation" is now. We do not want anyone to find fault with our work, so nothing we do will be a problem for anyone. But in every way we show we are servants of God: in accepting many hard things, in troubles, in difficulties, and in great problems. We are beaten and thrown into prison. We meet those who become upset with us and start riots. We work hard, and sometimes we get no sleep or food. We show we are servants of God by our pureness, by the Holy Spirit, by true love, by speaking the truth, and by God's power. We use our right living to defend ourselves against everything. Some people honor us, but others blame us. Some people say evil things about us, but others say good things. Some people say we are liars, but we speak the truth. We are not known, but we are well known. We seem to be dying, but we continue to live. We are punished, but we are not killed. We have much sadness, but we are always rejoicing. We are poor, but we are making many people rich in faith. We have nothing, but really we have everything. You are not the same as those who do not believe. So do not join yourselves to them. Good and bad do not belong together. Light and darkness cannot share together. How can Christ and Belial, the devil, have any agreement? What can a believer have together with an nonbeliever? The temple of God cannot have any agreement with idols, and we are the temple of the living God. As God said: "I will live with them and walk with them. And I will be their God, and they will be My people. Leave those people, and be separate, says the Lord. Touch nothing that is unclean, and I will accept you. I will be your Father, and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

I always have to ask myself, Where are the Christians while all this garbage goes on? Are their never any Christians in the audience at shows when this type of subject comes up? Where are the believers in Christ when this stuff is talked about? I have had people e-mail me and ask to stop receiving my e-mails over simply preaching and teaching the truth. I have had them ask me why I write about these things. Simply because they need to be exposed and talked about. The light of Christ needs to be shined upon this darkness. I write messages that God by way of the precious Holy Spirit urges me to write. I have made up my mind a long time ago to be obedient no matter what. To say what He gives me no matter what. We must sound the alarm and tell the people the truth no matter what they do to us. These are the last days. Legislation is being promoted all around our nation to pass hate crime bills into law. These laws would prosecute anyone that is accused of a hate crime. A hate crime would be telling someone that they are a sinner and headed for hell. To say homosexuality in wrong and is sin would be a punishable hate crime. To speak out against abortions could be considered a hate crime. We must live up to the example set before us by Jesus Christ...we must be about our Father;s business. Hallelujah! Stand strong my brothers and sisters. Set your faces upon Christ like flint. Set your heart, mind and soul upon Him like rock. Let Him be your everything and He will see you through. Put on the whole armor of God (each piece is an aspect of Christ) and arm yourself with His Word. Glory to God in the highest.

Everlasting Light Ministries

Wayne

waynes317@aol.com
My Journal - Marturia
Everlasting Light Blog
Everlasting Light Ministries

2007-02-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today I was told that I look like my maternal grandmother. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.

Wanna know something funny about me? I don't like wearing lipstick, yet I love wearing tinted lip gloss. Within the past month I have bought four new lip glosses.

The Proactiv I've been using has cleared up almost all of my acne but it's also drying my face out to the point of peeling. I cut down to using it only once a day and so far it hasn't helped.

We were over an hour late picking Cameron up from Jr Special Forces this morning. There were two vans full of guardsmen sitting there waiting on us because they couldn't leave until we got there. We apologized and tried to make funny of the situation but they didn't crack a smile.

I suppose after riding two hours in a van that smelled of vomit I'd be in a bad mood too. LOL

One of the kids got car sick and up came his breakfast which Cameron just had to describe as looking like scrambled eggs. eeeww!!

Robert returned the Ionic Breeze and we bought two Germ Guardian UV-C Air Sanitizers. So, we'll see how these things work.

We picked out my Valentine's day gift yesterday. It's so pretty, I can't wait to show you guys.

I also got the first book (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) of my soon to be collection of the 100 greatest books ever written. I told Robert last night that I wanted a new book shelf and why and he just looked at me like a deer in headlights. LOL

After picking Cameron up today Robert took us out for a late lunch and then to Magic Mart, (I hate that store) where he got Cameron some coveralls to keep him warm while he's out messin around with his friends.

Those kids will leave out on their four wheelers and motor cycles or go sledding and stay gone all day and it below freezing outside.

Ahhh, the good old days. LOL

I guess that's all for now. The pics above are of a hawk that Cameron took.

2007-02-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about going public and then today I read a journal alert from the drama whore I had mentioned before who's entry was full of nothing but drama because she was involved in making fun of someone and they found out. blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know someone else goes private. I hope they aren't connected. If they are, I'm gonna feel like crap for not taking the chance and speaking up.

Either way, I'll be staying private. It was the perfect reminder of why I went private.

Cameron has only gone to school one day this week because of the weather. The sun came out today and melted a lot of the snow. Hopefully he'll be able to go tomorrow since it's a Jr Special Forces weekend beginning after school when they leave for Winter Place Ski Resort for a fun filled weekend.

I hope he doesn't try to ski and break a leg. He's already limping from slamming into a tree while sledding yesterday.

I need new break lines on my truck. Can't believe I drove it all the way to Welch, up and down three mountains, and it completely empty of fluid.

I joined a site called Flixster and I love it. You can list your favorite actors and movies and then compare your ratings and reviews with your friends. Here's my link if any of you would be interested in joining. http://mzgoochi.flixster.com/ The more friends you have, the more fun it is.

Hope to see you there!

A Country Cure.

Stuffed up with hay fever or a cold? Try this time-tested cure. Mix a tablespoon of horseradish with a bit of honey. Both ingredients will kill bacteria, while horseradish will break up mucus and force your sinuses open.

Breast Cancer 3-Day

2007-02-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this link with ya'll. Wish it was near me, I'd do it. Grab yourself the free 2007 calender and inspirational DVD while you're there.

a wandering eye

2007-02-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

My aunt Janice and I were talking and she got on the subject of some country music singer that she thinks is good looking. She asked me if I thought he was too and I said, I don't know who he is. She then goes on to tell me how good he looks and what she'd like to do to him, sexually. I said, Now Janice, what if that was Alfred (her husband) talking about another woman like that, wouldn't you get mad? She said, Yes, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I said, Now you're starting to sound like him and how many times have I seen and heard you go off over him saying, what you don't know won't hurt you?

She said, "That's different"

And I said, "No, it isn't."

She then says, "You mean to tell me that there isn't a man alive that looks so good to you that every time you see him it makes you wanna just have your way with him?"

I said, other than Robert, No!

She says, "What's wrong with you, are you dead?"

So I say, No, I'm not dead. I see men that I think are attractive but that doesn't mean that I have to stare at them or lust after them, or fantasize about them. I have a man who loves me and does everything he can to make me happy whether it be sexually or not. So, why would I need to lust after someone else's man or any man for that matter? Especially one I know I'll never meet, let alone have.

Men do the exact same thing to women, their girlfriends and wives. And we get upset about it, some even leave and end the relationship.

Anyway, the point I was trying get across to her was why spend days and even weeks arguing and fighting with her man for doing the exact same thing she was doing and all she could say was, it's different when she does it.

But, it's not different. The only difference is she catches him doing it and he doesn't her.

Sharing an email

2007-02-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

Some things for you to think about.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King Jr.

"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." - Abraham Lincoln

"A fools paradise is a wise man's hell." - Thomas Fuller

"You know you are getting old when caution is the only thing you care to exercise." - Chef Algie Petere

"Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn." - Miguel de Cervantes

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain

"Every man is a missionary...He may be a blot radiating his dark influence outward to the very circumference of society, or he may be a blessing, spreading benediction over the length and breadth of the world. But a blank he cannot be." - Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland during the 1800s

Then there are always those those presume on their own that they are intelligent and have everyone fooled until they open their mouths and offer their opinion:

"From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings, and it's not really compassionate." - Sir Elton John, musician

57% The percentage of tweens (8 to 12 year-olds) who say they would rather be popular than do what is morally right. At the same time, 38% of tweens say churches have made a positive difference in their lives. - Source: Barna Group

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Quick Connection: Familiar with speed-dating? Well, now there's speed-churching. In a campaign to get more people to church, 10 churches of various denominations in Swindon, U.K., about 70 ,miles west of London, created Soul Connexion (soulconnexion.org.uk). At the October event held at a local hotel, people were given five minutes to interact with each church leader before moving on to the next one.

"This gives them the opportunity to meet a variety of churches in a situation where all know all the rules," expla John Lloyd, spokesman for the Bishop of Swindon Lee Rayfield, the projects creator.

"With both parties 'selling themselves' to the other, a decision can be made about beginning a relationship," he says.

***********************************************************

Step families:

* 1,300 step families are formed daily.

* 60% of remarriages end in divorce.

* By 2010, it's predicted there will be more US step families than any other type of family.

* 6.8 million US children are stepchildren; this represents 15% of all children in married-couple families.

Sources: Successful Step families, Step family Foundation

*****************************************

I read this in a Christian magazine. The writer explains what happened between the church and science. We must remember that at one time the great majority of scientists were Christians. This little nugget of information explains why science usually opposes the church stance on anything, before they even look into it. - Wayne

"The Catholic Church stood against science. They could not see science and church co-existing. So the sciences rebelled against the church. The church tried and killed many scientists which turned more scientists against the church." - Author unknown

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Should we give to beggars? C. S. Lewis once said: "It will not bother me in the hour of death to reflect that I have been 'had for a sucker' by any number of impostors; but it would be a torment to know that I had refused even one person in need."

"Faith is not trying to believe something regardless of the evidence: Faith is daring to do something regardless of the consequences." - Sherwood Eddy

Isn't this how we really are with God so many times in our lives when He blesses us? We pray and He answers, but we are not satisfied with the results we receive. I saw a cartoon that really illustrated this idea:

There is a picture of many people sitting on a hillside. A disciple is walking around with a big basket full of food . He is passing out fish and bread to the hungry all around him. You can see a very comic look of shock and surprise on the disciples face as he hands a fish to one man. The man looks up at the disciple and asks, "Could I have mine broiled in butter?"

Someone we knew had come over to our house to visit and was moaning and groaning about an answer they had received to their prayer. It seems that God hadn't handled the matter exactly as they wanted Him to. We have learned over the years to be specific in prayer if you expect specific results. After they left our home my wife looked at me and said something that I wrote down and like to share with people from time to time:

"Generic prayers will always reap generic results." - pas

My pastor had given me a button that I still wear now and then. It had a message I will never forget and it goes along similar lines with what my wife said.

"Do not expect million dollar answers from a 10 cent prayer!" - Anon.

Praise God! May He bless and keep each and everyone of you in the palm of His mighty and righteous right hand. We are living in tough times but remember that our God is more than able to keep us and able to do more for us and through us than we can ever imagine. He does all that He says He will perform. Get into the Word this week. Read something different that maybe you haven't read for a while and trust God to reveal and open His Word to you in a whole new way.

Wayne

waynes317@aol.com
http://everlastinglight.theminorprophet.com/Blog
http://www.ourchurch.com/member/g/God-is-good/

spooky pics and bald chics!

2007-01-31T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today has been a strange day. It seems like everything is moving in slow motion.

I took some more pics of the moon through my window just a few minutes ago and I wanted to share them with you guys. I think the bottom one turned out really good. A lil blurry, but still good.

I ordered the 30 day supply of Proactiv and got it yesterday. I love the way it makes my face feel. My Aunt Janice got her some too. She's been using it for almost a week and said she could tell a big difference in her skin already. Hope it works that well for me.

My cancer treatments made me go into early menopause and because I'm considered high risk I can't take any hormone treatments. That means I just suffer and deal with whatever menopause throws at me. Up until a year or so ago I was getting used to the hot flashes, the mood swings, the depression, but then my hair started falling out. It looks just like male pattern baldness. I've asked all my Dr's to do something, anything, and they all say the same thing. The risk is too high and my hair will probably never grow back. This kills me!!

It's so bad I won't leave the house without a hat and I've been thinking about getting a wig. UGH! I hate wearing a wig! I've been to so many wig web sites and I can't find anything I like or that looks real. I can't even find something that looks like the hair I had. Then, I'm also afraid that if I do order one, I won't like it or I'll be too insecure to wear it.

Sheesh God, what did I do to deserve being boobless and hairless?

Just thinking

2007-01-28T21:06:00.000-08:00

I've read several journals where the authors were putting other journalers down for writing about their problems from their past or how they go on about their children messing up, or what angels they are, or their husbands being unfaithful, or just things that happened to them as a child that they're having a hard time letting go of. Like getting abused or molested.

I was molested as a child and as a teen by more than one male and female relative. If I was smart enough, I could write a book on how I feel about that.

I've read lots of journals where I didn't agree with the author, but I didn't attack them or try to make a mockery of them. Most of the time, I just moved on.

Even the journalers that write about happy stuff get accused and harassed for "lying" or "pretending" to be happy when they aren't. How asinine is that? How do these people know that a person they've never met is lying?

I've read a few journals where I thought something fishy was up and found it hard to believe them, but not once did I go to their journal and call them a liar. That's their business and they're the ones that will be held accountable for their wrong doings. They don't need me or anyone else to judge and condemn them. Don't you think?

To me that's what keeping a journal is all about. Being able to write your feelings, fears, etc. And everyone wants to be accepted, some go the extra mile to be "popular" but that's a whole nother entry. LOL

Well, that and getting comments. I'm not ashamed of saying I love comments. I'm a self acclaimed comment whore and it would hurt my feelings to spend a lot of time on an entry and then not get any comments. But hey, I'd get over it. Comments are encouraging and lots of times I would have quit journaling all together if it wasn't for a comment or an email I'd received.

I could easily write a sob story entry each time but I've been burned so many times that now I write a lot of boring crap and not really including a lot of my personal and problems from the past or present in fear of rejection or ridicule. Even now with this private journal, the fear is still there. You just never know when someone's gonna take something wrong. (Has happened a lot) Or use one of your revealing entries to make a mockery of you.

Several times I have written entries to only seconds later get an email from someone asking if I was talking about them. Since there name wasn't mentioned or to my knowledge they had done nothing to me, then why did they think I was talking about them?

A few years a go I wrote about someone lying to me. Well, I had a lady email me calling all kinds of names, and leaving comments saying I was ungrateful. I was so upset I just emailed her back saying I never knew she had lied to me and that she should be ashamed of herself for jumping the gun and insulting me in my journal without coming to me first.

I don't like drama, unless I'm not included, then I just eat it up. LOL I know, I'm terrible, but why lie? That doesn't mean I like causing it, I just enjoy following it. And, I know that even though they won't admit it, a lot more do too.

Some of you know this. I'm 38 years old now and when I was 28 I was diagnosed with an advanced aggressive cancer. The same kind that killed my Mother when she was just 32. Well, I was so distraught that I let my husband (now ex) make all the decisions for me. (BIG MISTAKE) I only had cancer in one breast but my husband and Dr felt that since I was considered high risk, I should have both breast removed.

I did...

Then less than a year later my husband left me for a much younger woman who in return left him after finding out how he did me. What blows my mind is how she found out cause I know he didn't tell her the truth.

Another thing he did was, I could have had breast reconstruction. He had a great job with benefits that covered 80% to 100% of our medical bills. I'd never gone through this before, I didn't know what his insurance covered, I didn't know what questions to ask, but a few months after being diagnosed and learning that I could get my breast redone, He gets fired for lying to his bosses, telling them he had to miss a lot of work to care for me. When the truth came out, he wasn't caring for me, I thought he was at work. His work thought he was caring for me, when he was really having an affair with a 15 year old girl (her mom approved) and was caught by one of the big bosses while they were out partying. I guess that boss didn't take too kindly to being lied to. I later heard he ripped the Ex a new butthole for not being at home with his sick wife.

Even now years later he tells everyone he lostthe best job of his life because I had cancer and he had to stay home and care for me. Real winner, huh?

I can't even begin to tell you what losing my breast and my husband did to me inside. I'm over him now, but I not over the cancer, the surgery, and the fact that I can never, ever again feel comfortable being naked in frot of a man. Shoot, most times I cry just looking at my own naked body in the mirror.

I think it was last year, or maybe the year before, a few people were accusing me of faking the cancer story. So, I got out my camera and posted pics of my bare, breast less, scarred chest in my journal. So many people were shocked, but did it shut them up? Oh yea! But don't you know I still had a few people say they were disappointed in me for letting those idiots push me to that point. Oh well, I wasn't ashamed (too much) and it worked.

I'm rambling and my chicken alfredo is calling my name.

til next time... :)

2007-01-28T01:35:00.000-08:00

I finally got the nerve up to post a recent pic of my ugly mug in the about me section. Any and all negative comments are not welcomed. LOL

If you could save one animal from extinction, which one would you save? Myself, I'd wanna save the Florida Manatee. They're such gentle graceful creatures. There's too many animals to choose just one though. I wanna save them all. Could you imagine an ocean without whales? How sad would that be? Go check out the humpback ballet. www.ngm.com/0701

I was watching a show on TV last night and it showed the body of a whale that had died recently. Well, the divers decided to document on how long it would take the ocean scavengers to clean the carcass. It took 18 months and still there was flesh found in the skull.

Gross, but interesting.

I love mangos and today I learned a new way to eat them. Street vendors in Mexico put a ripe mango on a stick and then peel it. They then score it into sections (on the stick) and sprinkle the fruit with lime juice, chili powder and salt. They go for $1.

When you eat a grapefruit do you put salt or sugar on it?

Check this out. In New York-Newark, NY-NJ-CT urban area, there's 185,000 more single women than men. WOW!

And in Los Angeles-Long Beach-Santa Ana urban area there's 40,000 more single men than women.

In one of the National Geographic articles I was reading, it said that by the time I would finish the magazine article, an area of Brazil's rain forest larger than 200 football fields will have been destroyed.

That makes me so sad....

pictures

2007-01-27T01:56:00.000-08:00

I took this photo yesterday morning. I was sitting here at my desk, looked out the window and thought, Hey,that would make a nice pic.

Turned out pretty good to be taken through a dirty window.

These grape fruit are so good, I just had to take a pic. heehee

Robert joined the Cooking Club of America last year and one of the benefits for being a life time member was this nine piece set of pots and pans that he was in the process of washing when I snapped the photo. They arrived yesterday.

It's been bitter cold here and our heat pump has been freezing up. We've had to put it on emergency heat twice already. The land lord doesn't seem concerned.

I know I've been saying this for about four years now, but I really wanna move from here. We put an add in the paper plus Robert's been keeping an eye out for a place in all the news papers and weekly traders.

Most places don't allow pets and I'm not giving up my dog and cat for anyone or any house. We've had the dog for about seven years now and the cat just turned a year old. I love them both. They are a part of my family.

I had to order a new keyboard from Gateway. The space bar on mine doesn't work half the time and I kept getting a zhotkey.exe error. I typed that into AOL's search bar and sure enough, others have had the same problem.

Now I'm getting a shellmon.exe error and after looking it up I learned that it's an AOL problem. A free fix was offered at the web site but I didn't take it.

I know some of you have seen this already...

My favorite baby pic of Cameron.

Gosh,that seems so long ago.

Magazines

2007-01-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's my computer or AOL but this thing is running soooooo slow! I've cleaned, scanned and defragged. Nothing helped.

Robert's Mom is taking a cruise to the Bahamas. Wish I was going with her! I pray she doesn't get food poisoning or falls over board.

When she found out she had lung cancer, she made a list of things she wanted to do and that trip is one of them. She's taking her sister with her. I hope they have the time of their lives.

I read two journals today where the authors have taken ill. Fran had a stroke and Pennie had a brain aneurysm (sp) and is scheduled for surgery tomorrow. If you pray, please think of them.

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted a subscription to the National Geographic Magazine. I FINALLY GOT IT!!! I found a years subscription offered for $15 and I took it.

I think I've mentioned before that Robert has a serious obsession with cook books and cooking magazines. We have way too many. My dining room and living room book shelves are full of them. And God forbid if I mention getting rid of some.

Anyway, I was looking at one of them today (Gourmet) and found a bit of interesting information.

Did you know that humans instinctively begin to crave salt at the age of four months?

And corn has an extraordinary shelf life. Ten-year-old kernels will germinate, and 1,000 year old popcorn still pops!

In Colonial America, six-foot lobsters were caught near what is now New York City, flocks of birds darkened the sky for hours at a time, and five-foot codfish inhabited the waters of Maine.

Each year 70% of the U.S. supply of antibiotics ends up in animal feed.

On a typical 16th-century English warship, a sailors weekly ration of beer was about eight gallons, or roughly TEN PINTS PER DAY!

And the one that bothered me was, Since 1970, the number of dairy cows in the U.S. has dropped from 12 million to 9 million, while the amount of milk obtained from each cow has increased from 1,130 TO 2,210 PER YEAR!!

Poor cows!

2007-01-21T12:09:00.000-08:00

I think that bird in the pic above is a crane. We were on our way to the post office a few days ago and it was standing in the river. I tried to get close enough to get a better pic but it flew away.

It's raining and sleeting here today. I hope we don't lose power!

Robert bought us an Ionic Breeze. Do any of you own one? I'm skeptical about it. I can't see where it's doing anything other than just sitting there using up eletric.

The air inside doesn't seem cleaner to me and if it's doing it's job, then shouldn't I be able to tell that it is?

I decided not to say anything to the friend about the drama mama she's associating with. Even though she left a comment saying she would want me to tell her, Her other actions tell me it's best if I mind my own business. So, that's what I'm doing.

Ex's,ex's

2007-01-17T17:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks Debbie for stopping by and leaving all the great comments. It's good to be back in touch with you. You were missed!

I've been contacted by one of my ex husbands ex's, again. Last time didn't go so well because she was being two faced with me to get to my ex. She contacted me today through my yahoo 360 page. She also commented on Cameron's yahoo 360 page that was just made late last night.

I think she's been stalking me.

She's full of animosity toward me and Cameron because Cameron gets child support and she doesn't.

She has a child by the ex too. A beautiful little girl named Callie.

She's waiting for him to pay the support on his own and that's not gonna happen. She has to take him to court, just like I did.

She thinks she can guilt him into paying. Not gonna happen. He has no heart and does not care about the children.

Her daughter is three years old and has never met her Dad. That should tell her everything she needs to know.

Here's the message she left me on yahoo.

"do you remember me?? from about a few years ago? your sons half sisters mom!!?"

Now, you might not see it but that little sentence is over flowing with sarcasm.

I left her a nice comment in her journal. (honestly)

I liked her before but when it comes to the ex, she really gets psychotic. She says she don't want him back but from the way she acts, she doesn't want anyone else to have him either.

All that time and energy she puts into (fooling herself) making him miserable when he isn't worth it. What a waste! There is nothing good, at all, about the man.

I'd put him behind me and put all that energy into my daughter and our life together. He's making his own bed and will soon be lying in it, alone.

rambling

2007-01-15T03:05:00.000-08:00

I like my little punky mood thingymajigger in my about me section. I can change my mood whenever I want.

Anyway, I stole it from someone else's journal. You can snag it from me if you want.

It was beautiful here yesterday, or so I heard. I slept most of it away. Stayed up too late and felt like crap all day. Other than that, it was a good day.

Called my baby brother and wished him a happy birthday. Told him I'd like to spend more time with him since we've been out of touch for so long. He acted strange. Then later when the conversation was ending I heard a click on the line like someone had been listening and hung up too quick.

He just turned 29 and still lives on the property of the people that adopted and raised him. He doesn't live in the house with them, but it is on the ranch and close enough to the main house for them to keep a close eye on him.

He likes to party and they are church goin folk. They monitor his friends, visitors, etc, so I wouldn't be surprised if our conversation was being listened to.

I can see their side to though. At his age he shouldn't even be living there and it's not like he hasn't had opportunities to better himself because he has.

When he turned 18 he got the money our Mom had left for us to receive on our 18th birthday. It had been sitting in the bank drawing interest for 15 years and he had accrued enough to get him a home and a decent ride. But instead, he partied it all away.

Which I can't really say anything about him because when I turned 18 and got my money,it was... PARTY TIME! LOL

I did get myself a car though and first chance I got I registered for Job Corps and moved away from everyone to another city.

I thought I had done something really good. I thought I was gonna make something of myself and I was trying really hard in my classes and having the time of my life until one day my guidance counselor called me in his office and told me I had a letter from home.

It was from my aunt Debbie. My favorite person in the entire world at the time and the only family member that ever treated me like family. I was so excited with just the fact that someone cared enough to write me. I remember watching the other girls on our floor getting mail and care packages and in the beginning I would cry because I never got anything, but I got over it and stopped looking for anything, especially a care package.

I had never heard of a care package before then and I was 18 years old.

I had never been to a Mall and I had never seen, let a lone ridden, an esculator. (sp) I made a darn fool of myself that day but boy did we have fun.

Some of the girls would share their care package goodies with me. That's also when I discovered ramen noodles. Love those things. Especially the oriental blend.

But anyway,back to the letter. It was a long letter.Two pages, front and back. She tried to say how proud she was of me and that she wanted me to succeed and prove everyone wrong because ALL of the family was making a joke out of me going back to school and making bets on how long I would last before I came back looking for someone to take me in because I was never gonna amount to anything.

When I read that it was like it had sucked all of the joy and drive from my body and soul. I didn't care about anything anymore, including myself, because I knew no one else did either.

This is one of those times when Robert says I'm ass backwards because that should have made me want to prove them wrong.

But it didn't...

Happy Birthday

2007-01-14T01:46:00.000-08:00

The next coming months means lots of birthdays in my family. Three this coming week. One is my first cousin "Papa Smurf". His real name is Michael. I'm closer to him than any of my three brothers. He turns 41 today and Friday night while on the phone with him he demands and threatens that I better not forget to call him on his birthday.

I didn't say this to him but, Excuse the hell outta me, I don't recall getting a phone call from you in the past 38 years. ppfft!

Yes, I'll call him! @@

I always do what I can to keep my family happy. Their happiness equals my "acceptance".

Sweet Tea and Snow pics

2007-01-11T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is the 4th time in three days that I have tried to post an entry. Each time I go into MY PICTURES and save a photo, AOL shuts down causing me to lose everything. I finally gave in and used note pad to save my entry before adding the photo's. Good thing cause it shut down again.

Got another post card from Dawn today and it's beautiful! Gulf Coast, Wish I was there!! Thanks Dawn!

A few days ago we woke up to a heavy snow. It started at 8am after Cameron had left for school. By noon he was walking down the driveway. School had let out early because of the weather and the bus wouldn't bring the kids up on the mountain. Which is a good thing but no one knew to go pick their kids up so they had to walk 2 plus miles up the mountain, depending on where they live, to get home. Plus it was snowing and we had strong winds. Luckily Cameron caught a ride.

A cell phone would be nice in times like that.

Our local WalMart allegedly had a bomb threat a few days ago. I couldn't find anything about in the online papers. So whether it's true or not, I have no idea. But I heard that the employees had to stand in the parking lot from around 7pm until after midnight, in the cold, while they searched with dogs for a bomb they never found.

If someone you know that is a good decent person is becoming friends with someone else that you know is not a good person, (drama whore, evil, liar, and two faced) would you say anything to warn the decent person?

I wanna warn them, but I don't wanna get involved either. Been there before and regretted it in the end.

If it was you, would you want me to warn you or mind my own business?

Southern Sweet Tea Recipe

Boil 4 cups water to hard boil. remove from heat and add 2 or 3 family size tea bags until dark. Luizzane (sp) is best since it doesn't cloud as easily in cold water. Add 1 cup of sugar. Stir, add 4 cups cold water. Serve over ice.

photo's by Cameron

2007-01-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

adding pics

2007-01-06T15:50:00.000-08:00

Looks like I've found a new (for me) way to add pics to my journal and it is soooooo easy!

Here's what I did. In keywords I typed in "MY PICTURES" Then I installed the program which only took a few minutes on dial up and it's free! ~gasp~

All ya gotta do then is upload the pic you wanna post (if it's not already there), then copy and paste the photo to your journal entry. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snow pics from last year.

The house below belongs to some people that live on the other side of the MTN from me.

Me and my sister back in 1992

STOP THE DRUGS

2007-01-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

This (copied and pasted below) happened yesterday and today I was up calling family members to see if they were in jail this morning.

How sad is that?

Counties target drugs

By CHARLES OWENS
Bluefield Daily Telegraph

WELCH (MY HOMETOWN)— A two-state operation Friday targeted close to 100 suspects on drug-related charges between McDowell and Buchanan counties, officials said.

In McDowell County, officials had arrested 42 of 47 individuals as of late Friday evening on delivery, conspiracy and fugitive from justice charges, Sheriff Danny Mitchell said. In Buchanan County,(WHERE I WAS BORN) officials had arrested 31 of 52 individuals indicted on drug-related charges as of late Friday, Sheriff Ray Foster said.

Authorities in both counties were still searching for individuals late Friday.

“If you live in McDowell County, (YEP, THAT'S WHERE I LIVE) and you are selling drugs, you’ve got three choices — quit, move, or go to jail,” Mitchell said. “It’s that simple. I’m not going to give up.”

The drug roundup in McDowell County was completed in cooperation with the McDowell County Sheriff’s Department, the West Virginia State Police Welch Detachment, and the Southern Regional Drug and Violent Crimes Task Force. Mitchell said the majority of the arrests were in the Bradshaw and Panther communities. The sheriff’s department set up a staging area at the Bradshaw Town Hall, and the Panther Volunteer Fire Department, where individuals were processed after being arrested.

Mitchell said officials used two buses provided by the Stevens Correctional Center to transport the individuals arrested back to Welch.

In Virginia, the Buchanan County 29th Circuit Regional Drug Task Force served more than 150 drug-related indictments on 52 different individuals with assistance from the Virginia State Police, the Grundy Police Department, and authorities across the state line in McDowell County.

“The more we work together, the more we can accomplish in the war on drugs,” Foster said. “We are all in this together. We all have family to protect, children or grandchildren that attend our schools, travel our roads and play in our neighborhoods. We can all make a difference if we work toward the same goal — stop the drugs.”

Drugs, firearms and cash were recovered as part of the Virginia-side operation, Sgt. Michael Conroy, of the Virginia State Police, said.

“The majority of the arrests were within Buchanan County,” Conroy said. “We did have some that spilled into West Virginia.”

Conroy said the majority of the Virginia-side charges involved the distribution of prescription narcotics.

The arrests started at 7 a.m. in McDowell County.

“Just about all of them were arrested at their residences,” Mitchell said. “Everything went really smooth. There were hardly any problems at all. I was amazed at how smoothly it went.”

Mitchell said the war on drugs continues in McDowell County with assistance from the governor’s office and the Appalachian High Intensity Drug Trafficking agency.

“This is a partial result of a year-long investigation conducted by the Southern Regional Drug and Violent Crimes Task Force and the McDowell County Sheriff’s Department,” Mitchell said. “In those two areas, it is going to make a big dent. Drug investigations and more arrests are pending.”

Mitchell said the citizens of McDowell County are asked to help fight the war against drugs.

“We must continue to urge our citizens to get involved,” Mitchell said. “Make the anonymous phone calls, send in those anonymous drug dealer ads, or just continue to write letters to the state police and task force. They (concerned citizens) have played a big part in this and we greatly appreciate it.”

Foster said the drug roundup in Virginia included all areas of Buchanan County.

Conroy said members of the Buchanan County 29th Circuit Regional Drug Task Force welcome any citizen tips received on suspected drug activity.

“By having community support we are more effective in identifying and arresting drug dealers,” Conroy said. “We encourage people who witness suspected drug activity to report those incidents to the state police by calling 1-800-553-3673, or by calling our local partners. Every tip counts.”

Conroy said the task force opened more than 140 cases and made more than 134 felony arrests between July 2005 and August 2006.

In McDowell County, Mitchell said the town of Bradshaw and the Panther Volunteer Fire Department also provided critical assistance Friday by allowing authorities to utilize their facilities as staging areas.

Mitchell said individuals were still being arraigned late Friday in magistrate court on the drug-related charges.

McDowell County Commission President Gordon Lambert said Friday’s drug roundup will help, adding the county’s war on drugs is one of the key issues officials hope to discuss with lawmakers in Charleston on Jan. 17 as part of the second annual McDowell County Day at the Legislature program.

Tags: WELCH, MCDOWELL COUNTY, BRADSHAW, PANTHER

pics

2007-01-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

I hate putting pics in like this but the aol file manager still doesn't wanna work for me. I keep getting a gateway error page.

Tags: aol file manager

thinking out loud

2007-01-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there's a medical term for someone who does everything ass backwards? If there is, I have it. LOL I have a hard time expressing myself too. I'll get emails from people and you would think I'd been ordered to do brain surgery. I sit here and get myself all worked up because I can't think of what to say. And I know people take my short replies and sometimes no replies as me not wanting to be bothered with them but that's not the case at all. I love getting emails and I love getting comments but for some reason, my brain goes dead and I just don't know what to say. Sometimes, I'll save an email for weeks waiting for the moment when I'll be able to reply to that person with something besides one or two words. Often, they never get it. If you're reading and you've emailed me before and never got a response or you got a short response, please believe me, it wasn't you or anything you did or said, it's all me and my inability to communicate like an edumacated adult.

Ignorance

2006-12-30T18:56:00.000-08:00

I wanted to mention this in my last entry but I got ahead of myself. So, I promise this will be short. (I hope. LOL) I've been living in West Virginia now for 4 or 5 years. I can't remember when we moved here. LOL But, the entire time I've been here I have been trying to contact my brothers. Two I found and now have somewhat of a relationship with them. The third one has either been avoiding me or getting different messages than I have sent.

I got word from him a few weeks ago through my SIL and here's what he had to say. "THAT NIGGER LOVING BITCH HAD BETTER HAVE ENOUGH SENSE NOT TO COME TO MY HOUSE BECAUSE NOT ONLY WILL SHE GET HER ASS STOMPED BUT WHOEVER IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING HER OR COME WITH HER WILL GET IT TOO BECAUSE THE ONLY THING SHE DESERVES IS TO HAVE HER THROAT SLIT FOR SPREADING HER LEGS AND LYING DOWN TO GET KNOCKED UP BY A NIGGER."

All that coming from the brother that I haven't seen since Cameron was three years old and this same brother that carried Cameron around on his hip all day bragging on how beautiful his nephew was and spoiling him rotten by buying him whatever he wanted and more. All the while promising me and Cameron that he would always be there for us.

What a joke! And yes, it hurt me something terrible. Even more, it hurt Cameron because he heard the entire conversation before I realized he was in the room.

Wanna know what's really funny about it? My brother must not know about our great, great, great grand father who was a black man.

Dumbass biased Doctors

2006-12-30T18:03:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor last week and was told that I have walking pneumonia. I ended up in the ER yesterday and the doctor on duty was a total ass. They wanted to admit me but I walked out. He told me I didn't have pneumonia and that all my health problems were caused by smoking. That includes my diabetes, my high blood pressure and all of my cancer diagnosis. I'm sure, No, I know smoking contributes to it but I know good and well it didn't cause it. They even said my veins were destroyed from smoking. That's when I really got pissed and told them that my veins are destroyed because of nurses not doing a proper job of sticking them and also the fact that they have been poked so many times from the chemo treatments.

I was in so much pain I was bent over walking and I heard one of the nurses ask the doctor if he was ordering me any pain medication and he said with a snotty tone, "No, why should I give her pain medication when she's gonna walk out the door and fire up a cigarette"?

In my opinion, that's none of his damn business and it's his job to make me as comfortable as possible. Am I right?

Anyway, Remember a few entries back I mentioned a cook book called White Trash Gatherings? Well, I made a chicken and dumplings recipe from it tonight and Robert said it was the best he'd ever had. Made me feel right good! LOL

I thought today was new years eve and I started taking our Christmas tree down. I had all the ornaments off of it before I realized today is the 30th! @@ Now it's sitting there almost naked with a few strands of lights left on it. LOL Poor thing!

Here's a pic of Cameron that made me laugh until I cried.

PS- those aren't really his teeth! He'd have braces if it were, even if I had to hock everything I own. LOL

2006-12-29T21:18:00.000-08:00

I was reading tonight in a friends journal where she mentions that the man who molested her was now a born again Christian. God forgive me for judging this man or anyone else but I have a real problem with this. Is it just me or have you also noticed that when these men get caught, they suddenly become walk the line Christians?

And how quick they are to tell you that God forgave them so we must forgive them too.

I'm all for giving second chances but I think a lot, actually 99.9 % of these men use God as a way of getting by with it.

I know of one man that started molesting his step daughter at the age of 8. I don't know how long it went on but he wasn't sorry and hadn't stopped doing it until the girl told her Mom and she confronted him. Then he was sorry.

Yea right, sorry he got caught!

Anyway, next thing you know he's "saved" and telling his wife that she has to forgive him. And she did! The daughter grew up, (full of resentment no doubt) got married and had a daughter of her own. The grand baby wasn't allowed in the house if her step grand dad was around so he ended up meeting someone online and left. A 21 year marriage over, just like that.

Now, My question to you is, if you were in love/married/or whatever with a man and you found out that in his past he molested his daughter or someone else's daughter, could you forgive him? Could you live with yourself for forgiving him?

Personally, I don't think I could forgive him just for the fact that I wouldn't be able to let it go. Every time I saw him look at a female child I would wonder if he is secretly lusting after her. I would have so many questions that I know he wouldn't wanna answer. Like, if you had an uncontrollable lust for an 8 year old girl then, how can you not have that same lustful desire now?

And, if you lust for babies how can a grown woman satisfy you? Or, If you couldn't control it then, how are you controlling it now?

It drives me nuts thinking about it. I can only imagine what it would do to me if it ever really happened to me. Thank God I had a son and to my knowledge he hasn't been molested and he is now big enough to kill the SOB stupid enough to try it.

I almost forgot. I wanted to say congratulations to Nelishia and Dirk on their engagement. Dirk, I thank God almost daily for bringing you into Nelishias life. I wish you both lots of love, hugs, laughs, joy, and a life time of happiness and togetherness.

God Bless you both!

White Trash Gatherings

2006-12-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

Got a cookbook in the mail today titled WHITE TRASH GATHERINGS. It's got some great down home recipes and tips in it. I love the title. LOL

In my last entries comments Kim asked if Cameron got his classes switched. He did and so far, so good.

Got two Christmas cards today from Dawn and Bruce. Thank you Dawn!! Bruce doesn't read me so I'll thank him in an email.

Robert bought some movies yesterday. One of them being Pirates of the Caribbean Dead mans chest. Which was good, but I expected more. And there will be another. The other was an animated movie called Barnyard. I swear, I laughed til I cried. Ant Bully was pretty good too. It had a good lesson it it.

We went to Texas steak house yesterday and I made a pig of myself. I couldn't help it. I was starved and it was soooo good. :)

I got Robert a computer game called Call of Duty for his birthday and he was up until 6 am playing it. I guess he liked it. :)

It's a mad house in the stores and on the roads. So, if you go out, be careful. People are nuts!

Oh, and I'm down to a size 7 in pants. I've never been that small in my life!

2006-12-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

I've got a song stuck in my head and I don't even know the name of it. The only part of the lyrics that I know is, "Up all night, sleep all day. I know what you're doing." and I keep repeating that over and over in my head. ugh!

Robert and I are getting ready to leave here in a few to go finish up the Christmas shopping.

Cameron is finally off from being grounded. None of us paid any attention to the date and he ended up being grounded a day longer than he was supposed to be. LOL

Bout killed him when he found out. {snicker}

So far I've gotten three Christmas cards. And I don't know how many I've sent but I have more to send. (Lisa Jo, Please send me your address again)

All week long I've been taking a little time out of each day to go through my dresser drawers and my closet to get rid of some clothes that I either can't wear or don't wanna wear. Now that I'm finished, I ended up with three large trash bags full of clothes that I plan on giving to the local community center.

Then yesterday I visited with my aunts Debbie and Janice who each gave me two large bags of clothes. Some of which still had the tag on them. A lot of those will go to the community center too. One bag has two very nice women's leather jackets in it but I can't wear them because they are a size 1x. Too bad because they are beautiful!

After almost two weeks the car is finally fixed. Only cost $50 plus parts.

I guess that's all I have for now.

Happy Ho Ho!! :)

An interesting way to help

2006-12-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

A New Jersey woman who wants to send Silly String to U.S. troops in Iraq to help them detect trip wires is accepting donations of money to help cover costs. The U.S. Postal Service will not ship the aerosol cans by air.
Checks can be made out to St. Luke's Church, 55 Warwick Road, Statford, N.J. 08084.
Shriver also is collecting names and addresses of soldiers and Marines in Iraq who may need Silly String. Suggestions should be sent to ron101abn@comcast.net. - Associated Press

2006-12-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

Cameron being grounded for so long is about to drive me nuts. He doesn't have the TV or game to occupy his time so he wants to follow me around and talk, talk, talk. LOL Someone please get me some ear plugs for Christmas. :)

Then Tuesday of last week he got suspended from school for three days. UGH!!!!!!!! That gave him a five day weekend!

That also got him another three days added on to his grounding.

He's had the same teacher for two years but for different classes. Every time I've been called to the school it's been that same teacher, every time!

This time I asked him why he was the only teacher that had serious enough problems with Cameron to call me into the office. I never got an answer. Instead the principal chimed in and said, "we have notes from the other teachers" Yea, but they didn't call me into the office and they have never requested that Cameron be suspended. So, I told them that I wanted Cameron out of that class and put in another and it better be done by Monday, tomorrow. We'll see.

Every single time I've went to that office they have sat there and threatened Cameron with the Phoenix center. Basically an alternative school. I think they just wanna get rid of him because they have to put forth so much effort to accommodate him and his "special" needs.

I wonder, could they put him in the alternative school if I went against it?

This is one of his Christmas presents.

I think he's been snooping because he said earlier that he knows we have a present hid in our bedroom.

And I don't know what Robert did but when he wrapped that truck it took an entire roll of wrapping paper.

Dwelling

2006-12-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

It's so hard not to dwell on the past and loved one's who are no longer with us during the Holidays.

The car still isn't home but now, they at least know what's wrong with it. The air conditioning pump locked up. Cameron and Robert are gone now to get the part they need and hopefully put it on. if not, it goes into the garage tomorrow.

I spent the entire day yesterday at my aunt Janice's house and then way up into the evening at my aunt Debbie's house. It was a nice visit with them both.

Found out Janice's son Dewayne and his GF are having twins. They determined from the heartbeats that one is a boy and one is a girl. The entire family is ecstatic! There's been twins and even triplets in the family before but it was many, many years ago.

One set of twins were my cousins. Both boys. One was named Phil and the other was Rex. Both committed suicide but at different times and years apart. Phil hung himself when he was 17 or 18. Rex shot himself in the head in his late 20's.

Both events were terrible but I'll always remember Phil's death because his family was neighbors with my grandma and the day he hung himself we all went over to see what was going on and I saw him lying in the floor gasping for breath or something. My granny called it the death rattle.

I sat by him while my granny gave him CPR. It didn't help.

His death was later investigated as a murder. Allegedly his step father killed him but he was never found guilty.

If not for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.

2006-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Robert went out to pick up the mail this morning and right after he left, the phone went out. Four hours later I'm pacing the floor with a bad gut feeling that something was surely wrong. It takes less than 30 minutes to go to the post office and back.

I kept checking the phone to see if it was working and when it finally was there were several messages from Robert saying he had broke down and needed me to come get him. He was froze to death by the time we got the messages and was able to get to him.

He said several people had stopped and tried to help him. One couple went and bought him a brand new starter and even put it on for him. It still wouldn't start and they wouldn't let Robert repay them. Don't see very many people like that anymore.

We had to leave the car where it broke down until tomorrow. The postmaster said we'd be lucky if we had a car to come back to. I hope no one bothers it.

I had planned on doing some more Christmas shopping tomorrow but now the entire day will no doubt be spent on his car. I hope he can fix it and I hope it isn't expensive.

The "get together"

2006-11-29T01:28:00.000-08:00

Our family reunion was a little awkward and uncomfortable. The air was full of tension and it seemed to be more than the expected nervousness.

Everyone arrived late.

Cameron and I walked in and Vanessa, Aimee, and Renee were sitting at the table talking and looking at pictures. Everyone else was in the kitchen busy chatting and laughing.

I walked over and hugged Vanessa and Aimee then sat down at the table with them. Every time I went to speak Vanessa would interrupt me. Not wanting to cause a scene, I let it go and directed my attention else where until I heard Vanessa ask Renee if she knew for sure who Aimee's real father was.

Renee looked my way and I could feel my face start to burn. It embarrassed me.

I think myself and Renee were the only adults there that wasn't drinking. She seemed like a nice person. Her husband was nicer. More out going and friendly. They both seem to think the world of Aimee and spoil her rotten.

We took a lot of pics. I came home and printed off two 8x10's and put them in frames then wrapped them up and gave Vanessa and Aimee each a picture of them together, hugging.

I never got to spend any one on one time with Aimee and she's quiet or shy. She never spoke hardly until someone asked her a question. We've promised to stay in touch through the phone and the computer. Plus I might get to see her again at Christmas.

Vanessa said she had to pass a drug test this past Monday in order to get custody of the baby. She hasn't called to tell me the results but I already know what they are. She was smoking weed while I was there this weekend.

Her and Ace, her boyfriend had to borrow a friends vehicle and money to come see Aimee. While there they got into a big argument about money because she wanted beer and he told her it was either beer or getting back home. She wanted the beer anyway.

My cousin had to let them borrow enough money to make it home with.

He already wasn't a very happy camper because no one told him or asked him if it was OK about the plans to meet up at his house to begin with.

My sister used to be so beautiful and now she looks pale, washed out and sick. I bet she doesn't weigh 80 pounds soak n wet. She's killing herself.

family reunion photo's

2006-11-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

I'll write about it later.

How many of me

2006-11-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
5
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

There were 1500 named Lahoma.

Happy Turkey Day

2006-11-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I hope your day was filled with the people you love and lots of good food.

It was just the three of us again this year. No one I invited wanted to come. Their loss! We had a great meal even if Robert waited too late to start the turkey, again. I think next year I'll do all the cooking.

I told him last night to put the turkey on as early as he possibly could because I wanted to get everything else in the oven and done in time for us to eat and I could still have time to go visit with family.

He didn't get the tukey in the oven until well after noon and we didn't get to eat until 7 pm. So, I've been a grouch all day. :) Oh, and I told his Mom that for Christmas, I wanted her to come get him. She said, "send him C.O.D.".

Cameron and I put our lil Christmas tree up today. Only took a few minutes since it's just 4 ft tall.

My sister is on her way here from Ohio. Cameron and I'll be meeting up with her at our cousins house tomorrow and seeing my neice and her daughter for the first time in 11 years. I'll take lots of pics. Or, at least I hope to. I've had a bad feeling ever since this was planned and there has been certain topics brought up that my sister isn't comfortable with. Like her lying.

Then I found out today that my cousin knew nothing about my sister planning to come in and stay with them or the fact that we were all planning to meet up at my cousins house. She never called to see if it was ok or anything. So, cross your fingers for me and hope this all goes well. When you get drunks together like my cousin and sister, anything could happen.

2006-11-19T02:14:00.000-08:00

The prayer quilt in the photo above was sent to me by my friend Wayne who I've known online for about four years or longer now. He, along with his wife and daughter made it for me and prayed over each block.

I love it.

For those that don't know, When I mention Robert, he's my companion and Cameron is my 16 year old son.

When Cameron does something wrong, like take the truck and wreck it, Robert treats me like I'm the child being punished.

I can't even put into words how that makes me feel. :(

13 years ago my sister Vanessa had a baby girl she named Aimee. She and Aimee lived with me from the time Aimee was born up until she was almost three years old. Then my sister left, moved to another state and gave Aimee up for adoption.

We hadn't seen or heard from Aimee since, until a few days ago I got a call from my cousin who said, "Guess who's standing in my living room?"

It was Aimee and she wanted to talk to me and Cameron.

When they lived with us, her and Cameron were like brother and sister. He took care of her when her mommy couldn't or wouldn't.

I'd come home from working third shift and Vanessa would be gone. My (ex) husband had to be at work two hours before I got home and the kids would be there by themselves.

Cameron told me one morning that Vanessa locks Aimee in her room and leaves her there. Then when he gets up, if Vannesa is gone, he'd let Aimee out and they'd have breakfast and watch TV together.

She was 2 1/2 and he was 6.

I came home too many times to find them alone.

That's why she took Aimee and moved away. She said she couldn't live with me because I was too controlling and bossy.

Aimee lives in NC now with the family that adopted her. She's happy and beautiful but like anyone else who was given up for adoption, she has lots of questions. I gave her Vanessa's phone number.

First time Vanessa talks to her in all these years and she lies to her.

Vanessa had another baby a few months ago. She went the entire 9 months without any pre natal care. When the baby was born, they discovered that Vanessa had been using during her pregnancy and she never got to bring the baby home.

She told Aimee that she had a baby, but it was conveniently with a sitter each time Aimee called. Why would a new born need to be with a sitter outside the home? Especially since Vanessa doesn't have a job. Why even tell her about the baby if she's gonna lie about it?

But anyway, Aimee has called here every day since we got back in touch. Her and Cameron would talk for hours if I let them. We're gonna go see her either Wedsday or Thursday.

I stole some pics of her from her myspace page. (see above)

Bad week

2006-11-16T22:23:00.000-08:00

It's been a really bad week here that started Sunday night. Robert and I came home from running some errands and picking up dinner to find my truck and Cameron gone. He doesn't have a permit so he isn't allowed to even sit in the truck with the keys, let a lone drive it. I helped Robert bring in the bags then I checked the phone for messages. Sure enough there was a message from my neighbor Tena saying that Cameron was at her house and for me to call her.

I called and asked to speak to Cameron. He got on the phone and I started yelling at him about driving my truck without my permission and told him to get it home, NOW!

Tena was still on the other line and she spoke up and said, Lahoma, Cameron has something to tell you. He kept saying, Mom, promise me you won't kill me. I screamed at him some more and told him to say what he had to say then get his ass and my truck home. He finally said, Mom, I wrecked the truck!

I went off! I didn't wanna hear anymore. I didn't even ask him if he was hurt. I hung up and called the police. They didn't come. Instead, the 911 operator tried to talk me out of pressing charges on him. Then when I finally got it through to her that I wanted to speak to an officer, she had one call me. He tried to talk me out of it too and then turned me over to another officer. I told that officer that, no, I didn't wanna do this to my son but that he doesn't listen to me and flat out does what he wants because he's so much bigger than I am and thinks that because he's too big to get his butt busted that there's nothing else I can do other than ground him. BUT, that I had to do this because he has to be taught a lesson.

So, they filed the report and said they would turn it over to the prosecuting attorney and it would be up to them what happens. And that Cameron would probably only be charged with joy riding. My luck, he'll get a slap on the wrist and I'll be the only one punished by paying out the rear in court cost.

Cameron didn't even get a scratch on him, but when Robert and I went to where the truck was and I saw just how bad of a wreck it was, I broke down and started crying. He could have easily been killed and the only thing that saved him was a tree. He got too close to the edge of the mountain to pass a car and the tires slipped sending the truck over the mountain and into a roll. Thank God for that tree or he would have rolled at least a half a mile to the bottom and I'd buried my son this week.

I tried to post the pics in here so you could get a good look at the damage but I keep having problems with aol file manager. So, you'll have to click view larger to get a better look.

Along with having to go to court he's also grounded from EVERYTHING for a month. All he gets to do is go to school, come home and sit in his room to only come out for food and the bathroom.

Robert's giving me hell and telling me it's my fault because I'm not harder on Cameron. That the punishment doesn't fit the crime. That I need to pack Cameron's "rags" and send him to his Dad's. That I need to lock Cameron out of the house whenever we go some where. That I need to sell everything Cameron owns and make him pay to fix the truck. Which, I would be willing to do that but all Cameron has is a TV and a Playstation. Both of those together wouldn't even begin to fix the truck.

Robert acts like Cameron should be condemned for life.

Cameron has said over and over that he is sorry. That he has learned his lesson. Someone asked him what lesson did he learn and he said, To listen to my Mom when she says no because it's for a good reason.

Whether he's saying that because he thinks it's what I wanna hear or not is another thing. But still, I don't think it's right to treat him or talk to him daily like he has commited the worlds worst sin.

Robert even said, Well, there goes your Christmas. Which I thought was a good idea at the time but the more I think about it the more I don't wanna do that. I will not sit there and open presents Christmas morning in front of him and him not having a gift. I don't care how expensive his mistake was. If he doesn't have a Christmas, none of us will.

The next day I hugged Cameron and told him that even though I was mad enough to take everything he has, even his bed, I was thankful he was alive and still here with me. He said, I know Mom, I messed up and I'm lucky to be alive.

What would you guys do? And be honest, please! Should I sell his things and take Christmas away from him? I'm thinking that maybe I'll sell his TV so I can at least give Robert the $100 back that it cost to get the truck pulled out.

Fish and Babies

2006-11-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

My Grandma used to say, "it's raining like pouring piss out of a boot." Meaning, it's raining hard. That's what it's doing here now and it just started about 30 mins ago. Before that, it was a beautiful warm sunny day that begged the windows to open.

We weren't allowed to call our Granny anything that sounded like Grandma. We were to call her Mommy or MommyNay. Her youngest daughter, (my aunt) Janice is the same way. I don't understand it. I'd be proud to be a grandmother, as long as it doesn't happen before I am at least 50. : 0)

A while back in the journal I deleted, I had written about dreaming of fish and that MommyNay always said, " SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE A BABY" if you dream of fish. I had told Robert about the dream and about the pregnancy theory. (sp) He scoffed and made fun of it. Well, about two, maybe three weeks later Janice called and said Dewayne (her son) and Tonya were gonna have a baby.

Robert still laughs and say's "ya'll are silly."

First entry

2006-11-10T02:43:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to start this first entry for some time now but couldn't. I can't stand for anyone to read over my shoulder.

I set my new computer and desk up in the dining room and right behind me are the table and chairs. It's also where Robert sits, whenever he's sitting.

I can't get a minute of privacy unless I do it while he's sleeping. Like now! LOL

Well, I kinda missed keeping a journal and since I couldn't really be me in a public one, I figured I'd try private again and be particular of who I allow to read it.

It's not like I have any big secrets. I'd just like to be able to write about my simple life without getting ridiculed.

I've had a cough for over two months that I can't get rid of. I've taken two different antibiotics and nothing has worked.

My landlord knows how easily I catch colds and things so he called yesterday to tell me that his kids and wife has a stomach virus and he wanted to warn me and for me to stick the rent on the outside of the door so he didn't have to come in direct contact with me.

And I was scared to death it would either blow away or someone would steal it. LOL

I've started my Christmas shopping. Thank God for lay away!

Anyone remember me bitching about the landlord taking my (it's really his LOL) kitchen island for his own home? Well, Robert bought me another one. :)

For the past several months Robert's been getting work done to his car. A few days ago he paid over $200 to get the passenger side mirror replaced. The very next day he backs out of the driveway, hits a pole and breaks the mirror off again.

Why do men get mad and take it out on the car when they screw up? Are they all like that?

After he calmed down he was so pitiful I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He said he almost cried. I probably would have!

This was Cameron's first year of not going trick or treating. He wanted to but I told him he was too old. He's 16! Then later I told him he could go if Franky, our neighbor went. Franky didn't go and I knew he wouldn't. He had told me earlier that he was staying home so he could talk to his GF on the phone. heehee

We didn't have any kids come by, again! Oh well, more candy for us!

Ever notice the older you get the faster time seems to go by?
There's only 50 some days left in this year.