A little catching up.

When Cameron flipped my truck over the hill, not only was he grounded for a month, I also pressed joy riding charges on him. Nothings been done yet other than a preliminary hearing where the judge explained to Cameron how important it is that he not get into anymore trouble at home or school before coming back for court. Cameron's been suspended from school twice since then and the court ordered an investigation on me. The guy from children's services came out and talked to us, asking a lot of nosy questions and then before he left he said he was putting in his report that there wasn't a problem in the home but rather at school. I'm thinking they'll tell me one thing and do another. It's one big mess and once again, this is what I get for asking for help.

On top of that mess I've been sick. Last week I spent two days in the hospital getting a blood transfusion, some platelets, potassium, and magnesium pumped into me. They said either I'm losing blood or my body has stopped making red blood cells.

 I couldn't rest. They were taking my vitals every 15 minutes through out the night and the nurse was chewing gum and popping it loudly. I asked for something to drink and didn't get anything until the next evening, even though the Doctor had me on a liquid diet. I was tired and frustrated and ended up signing myself out against the Dr's orders.

They could only use my right arm for the IV and to draw blood and my veins kept collapsing. My arm and hand are still sore and bruised. I went back to the Dr yesterday to get my results and to get more blood work. My blood pressure is low and my platelets are low, and the Dr said something was definitely going on, yet they don't want me back until next month? Makes a lot of sense! @@

 

In Memory of...

The following was written and read by Poet Emeritus and Distinguished Professor of English Nikki Giovanni at the convocation held the day following the tragedy at Virginia Tech:

We Are Virginia Tech

We are Virginia Tech
We are sad today
And we will be sad for quite a while
We are not moving on
We are embracing our mourning
We are Virginia Tech
We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly
We are brave enough to bend to cry ...
And sad enough to know we must laugh again
We are Virginia Tech
We do not understand this tragedy
We know we did nothing to deserve it
But neither does a child in Africa dying of aids
Neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by a rogue army
Neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devastated for ivory
Neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water
Neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of night in his crib in the home its father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destablized
No one deserves a tragedy
We are Virginia Tech
The Hokie nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds
We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid
We are better than we think
and not quite what we want to be
We are alive to the imagination and the possibility
We will continue to invent the future
Through our blood and tears
Through all this sadness
We are the Hokies
We will prevail
We will prevail
We will prevail
We are Virginia Tech

copied from the cancer crusade

Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, it became a butterfly. ~Unknown~ Over the last few weeks, we've been discussing "survivor's guilt" and trying to define the term "survivor" in these weekly affirmations, and we've gotten some very thoughtful and thought-provoking e-mails as a result. A reader named Gail brought up an interesting concern that we had heard survivors discuss before, but we'd never thought through it enough to consider it for one of these weekly affirmations. Gail's question led us to think long and hard about the subject, and we decided that it is not only appropriate to this column, but also something that we'll bet many readers have struggled with. So here goes. Gail wrote: "Since my surgery (mastectomy) and subsequent reconstruction, two of my friends had mastectomies. However, my friends needed radiation and chemotherapy, and they suffered all that those treatments have to offer...I always feel incredibly guilty when I see these women (and those like them) who have undergone so much more than I have. I don't feel the right to call myself a survivor when, in fact, my battle pales by comparison. Have you ever come across this problem?" Gail's question reminded me of other survivors I know. A friend of ours refuses to walk the "Survivors Lap" at our local Relay For Life because she says she "only" had a small skin cancer removed from her arm. Another says she doesn't feel like she has the right to call herself a survivor because she "only" had a lumpectomy and 33 radiation treatments. My own husband says that he's not sure he's a "real" survivor because he "only" had his kidney removed while I had surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Children who have a certain type of leukemia often undergo more than 2 years of chemotherapy. I have a friend who has been living with cancer for 14 years and has undergone months and months of chemotherapy and other treatments about 10 different times. My own mother recently completed 35 radiation treatments for breast cancer, and my father has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and will undergo a surgical implantationof radiation "seeds." My best friend had a mastectomy with reconstruction, chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The simple fact of the matter is that, with a disease as complex as cancer (and remember that there are more than 100 types of cancer), the possible treatment variations and combinations are infinite! Also, suffering is subjective. What I think is painful, you might find merely uncomfortable. What you find intolerable, I might think is little more than annoying. If we were to require a certain type or number of surgeries and/or treatments in order to be considered survivors, or if we were to engage in questioning how much or how little one has "suffered," what would be the magic number or degree, extent or level of intensity? The answer is, of course, that we cannot go there. It's a pointless exercise and a waste of time and energy, and I don't know about you, but I don't have any of either to spare! If you have had a doctor tell you "You have cancer," you have suffered a psychological blow like no other. You have experienced an emotional trauma that no one who has not had cancer can comprehend. For me, being given the diagnosis was the very worst of the entire cancer experience. When I look back on my surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatments, I am acutely aware that - while they certainly were no picnic - they were not nearly as awful as the day my doctor told me I had cancer. If you survived that day in your own life, you are a survivor, because being a survivor is not about how many or what kind of treatments we have. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with our bodies. It's about how big our spirits are and how we carry ourselves in the face of fear and danger. It's about grace and dignity and courage and heart. I really believe it's just that simple. By the way, Gail, happy anniversary, you survivor you! Dear God, please help me remember to celebrate myself, to look back on how far I've come and all that I've endured and achieved along this difficult journey, even if it just began yesterday. Remind me that it's okay to be proud of who and what and where I am today. No matter how my story ends, I am a survivor. Amen

Roger and Kathy Cawthon

The Cancer Crusade

email: cawthons@thecancercrusade.com

web: http://www.thecancercrusade.com

 

http://www.thesurvivormovie.com/

 

Click the link above and watch The Survivor Movie.

Death X's 2

I think someone said there was a lunar eclipse tonight I dunno, I could be mistaking. I do believe there's a full moon though. I haven't checked but I'd almost bet on it. It's been a crazy sad day.

My 1st cousin Stephen (Batman) Chaffins died today. Well, it's after midnight so it was technically yesterday morning. Anyway, he overdosed on pills. Hydrocodone and Xanax. No one but his wife Tammy knows if it was intentional or not but she'll never tell because just a few hours ago she was found dead in front of the TV with his empty pill bottles on the floor next to her, that was just filled March 1st.

They had been married less than a month.

God have mercy on their souls.

I have to go and be there for them because they are closer to me than any of my other family members and I think the world of them. Stephen didn't have any life insurance and I've been asked to help raise some money for the funeral and burial. I was also reminded that when my father passed away and he had no life insurance, they stepped in and took care of everything. And they did, even a head stone. And I appreciated it even though I didn't ask for it. I would have handled things if I had been asked or given the chance. But I wasn't. I was told, everything was under control. Not to worry about it.

I'm scared to death. I don't know what to do or how to start. I have trouble asking for money for myself, let alone someone else. God, that sounds selfish but I don't mean it to be. I'm not good with people and begging makes it worse.

It was suggested that I have a Hot Dog sale and donate the proceeds but I don't know. I don't have but like $100 to my name and I haven't bought any of my own supplies and food items.

Any and all suggestions would be appreciated.

I know I'm not gonna make enough to pay for the entire cost of things but I would like to get at least my money and $100 or more. Gosh, Hot Dogs, buns, chili and fixings for at least 200 people, that's a lot of money. Anybody got a calculator?

I just keep thinking, two people dead, their souls most likely condemned to Hell, all over a pill, a high.

It's sad. And the sadder part is this makes the third person to die in the same rental lot withinthe past two years.

And Stephens left behind a young son who is now Fatherless all for nothing other than a selfish act.

:(....

I'm wore out and I haven't even started.

Do I sound as cold and selfish as I think I do?

 

@$#%&*&(

I finally got my Valentines Day gift. It took almost three weeks to get it back from being resized. I sat here for what seemed like forever trying to get a clear pic of it so you guys could see it. The pics above are the best I could get before getting aggravated and giving up.

My visit with Cameron's Principal on Monday didn't go so well. Cameron was suspended for three days causing him to miss a test they were having that counted as half of his grade. The reason he was suspended was for destroying school property by tearing the eraser out of his pencil, refusing to do an assignment, and cursing.

Should Cameron have been punished for that? Yes! Should he have been suspended? NO! Especially when there's kids at the school getting caught smoking in the bathroom on a daily basis and they are yet to get anything besides a warning or in school suspension.

Put my truck in the shop yesterday and got the break line fixed plus new breaks. Picked it up today and was hoping to get out of the house for a while but that didn't work out.

Cameron and I both spent most of yesterday at the Dr's office. Neither of us got good news. He's showing signs of I think she called it pre-diabetes plus his blood pressure has been high the last two visits. He's 6'4 and 265 pounds. When you try to talk to him about how he eats or losing some weight, he says he doesn't care. Thank God for fear and common sense or I'd ring his neck. LOL

Me and my problems, I'm not even gonna go into it. I'm so sick of going to Dr's and on top of all the others I see, I now have two more.

The Dr I saw yesterday suggested I reapply for disability. So, here we go with this again. I've been turned down 4 times within the last couple of years and there's so much paper work. This time, I'm getting a lawyer so maybe that'll help.

If it wasn't for needing the income and wanting to support myself instead of depending on Robert, I wouldn't even bother. 

I do know one thing for certain though, if I am approved this time, I plan on taking what I want and need and then walkingoff and leaving the rest behind, including Robert.  I've asked him to leave several times and he refuses so what other choice do I have than to leave myself.

I don't care how good he is to me, if he isn't good to my child and I do nothing about it then what kind of Mother am I to stay with him?

Every single time Cameron gets into trouble in school Robert gets hateful with me and Cameron and doesn't stop until he blows up calling Cameron names like stupid, dumbass, or fat fuck.  Then he tells me how sorry of a Mom I am, That if it was his kid he'd put his foot in Cameron's ass. Or he compares my parenting to his ex wifes parenting. Well, his ex wife had a daughter, not a son and there is a difference.

He told me once that he was stupid for leaving his ex wife because she was a hell of a better woman than I am. My answer to that was, if she was all that, why did you leave her in the first place and why don't you take your ass back to her? Oh wait, I know why, because she won't have your sorry fat ass.

We had a small hail storm roll through today. It melted before I could get any pics of the hail but I did get these.

Robert said this one below has a face in it. I don't see it. Do you?

It's after 2am and I have a meeting with Cameron's Principal at 9am. Huge Sigh....

 

My Valentine's Day gift still hasn't come in. :(

And I awoke this morning to a toothache. Not a good way to start a day.

Cleaned some names out of my allowed readers list. Mostly people that don't even read me, or if they do, they've never left a comment. One person was removed because not only would she ignore my emails but she has been sucked into the drama mamma's zone.

I'd read her journal entries and feel so bad for her and she'd always leave me comments saying she wished we lived closer because we had so much in common, blah, blah, blah. I bet I emailed her 10 times offering my hand in friendship and not one time did she have the decency to reply to not one of my emails.

I'm not gonna mention any names but when I think of her now, I picture a sheep in wolf clothing.

It's been so nice here for the past two days. The birds are singing like it's Spring out and it got me to thinking. We're at the end of February, spring is almost here. woohoo!

I wish it would hurry up, our electric bill was over $200 last month. That's the most it's ever been for 1 month in the entire four years I've lived here. And the land lord still hasn't checked the heat pump.

Pain pills are kicking in and my toothache has let up some. I hate taking Dr prescribed pain pills, they always make me hurl, whether I eat or not.

I was lying in bed brainstorming a few nights ago and came up with an awesome new screen name and title for a journal. Now I can't remember it to save my life. I need to start writing stuff like that down. But, to do that I'd have to climb over Robert to get out of bed and I'm just too lazy and the bed feels too good. LOL

I suppose I should get off here and make a doctors appointment for Cameron and myself, now that all the snow has melted. He says his leg doesn't hurt anymore but it's all puffy like it has fluid build up around the injury so I'm a little concerned about that.

I hope all that visit me have a great day.