Just thinking

I've read several journals where the authors were putting other journalers down for writing about their problems from their past or how they go on about their children messing up, or what angels they are, or their husbands being unfaithful, or just things that happened to them as a child that they're having a hard time letting go of. Like getting abused or molested.

I was molested as a child and as a teen by more than one male and female relative. If I was smart enough, I could write a book on how I feel about that.

I've read lots of journals where I didn't agree with the author, but I didn't attack them or try to make a mockery of them. Most of the time, I just moved on.

Even the journalers that write about happy stuff get accused and harassed for "lying" or "pretending" to be happy when they aren't. How asinine is that? How do these people know that a person they've never met is lying?

I've read a few journals where I thought something fishy was up and found it hard to believe them, but not once did I go to their journal and call them a liar. That's their business and they're the ones that will be held accountable for their wrong doings. They don't need me or anyone else to judge and condemn them. Don't you think?

To me that's what keeping a journal is all about. Being able to write your feelings, fears, etc. And everyone wants to be accepted, some go the extra mile to be "popular" but that's a whole nother entry. LOL

Well, that and getting comments. I'm not ashamed of saying I love comments. I'm a self acclaimed comment whore and it would hurt my feelings to spend a lot of time on an entry and then not get any comments. But hey, I'd get over it. Comments are encouraging and lots of times I would have quit journaling all together if it wasn't for a comment or an email I'd received.

I could easily write a sob story entry each time but I've been burned so many times that now I write a lot of boring crap and not really including a lot of my personal and problems from the past or present in fear of rejection or ridicule. Even now with this private journal, the fear is still there. You just never know when someone's gonna take something wrong. (Has happened a lot) Or use one of your revealing entries to make a mockery of you.

Several times I have written entries to only seconds later get an email from someone asking if I was talking about them. Since there name wasn't mentioned or to my knowledge they had done nothing to me, then why did they think I was talking about them?

A few years a go I wrote about someone lying to me. Well, I had a lady email me calling all kinds of names, and leaving comments saying I was ungrateful. I was so upset I just emailed her back saying I never knew she had lied to me and that she should be ashamed of herself for jumping the gun and insulting me in my journal without coming to me first.

I don't like drama, unless I'm not included, then I just eat it up. LOL I know, I'm terrible, but why lie? That doesn't mean I like causing it, I just enjoy following it. And, I know that even though they won't admit it, a lot more do too.

Some of you know this. I'm 38 years old now and when I was 28 I was diagnosed with an advanced aggressive cancer. The same kind that killed my Mother when she was just 32. Well, I was so distraught that I let my husband (now ex) make all the decisions for me. (BIG MISTAKE) I only had cancer in one breast but my husband and Dr felt that since I was considered high risk, I should have both breast removed.

I did...

Then less than a year later my husband left me for a much younger woman who in return left him after finding out how he did me. What blows my mind is how she found out cause I know he didn't tell her the truth.

Another thing he did was, I could have had breast reconstruction. He had a great job with benefits that covered 80% to 100% of our medical bills. I'd never gone through this before, I didn't know what his insurance covered, I didn't know what questions to ask, but a few months after being diagnosed and learning that I could get my breast redone, He gets fired for lying to his bosses, telling them he had to miss a lot of work to care for me. When the truth came out, he wasn't caring for me, I thought he was at work. His work thought he was caring for me, when he was really having an affair with a 15 year old girl (her mom approved) and was caught by one of the big bosses while they were out partying. I guess that boss didn't take too kindly to being lied to. I later heard he ripped the Ex a new butthole for not being at home with his sick wife. 

Even now years later he tells everyone he lostthe best job of his life because I had cancer and he had to stay home and care for me. Real winner, huh?

I can't even begin to tell you what losing my breast and my husband did to me inside. I'm over him now, but I not over the cancer, the surgery, and the fact that I can never, ever again feel comfortable being naked in frot of a man.  Shoot, most times I cry just looking at my own naked body in the mirror.

I think it was last year, or maybe the year before, a few people were accusing me of faking the cancer story. So, I got out my camera and posted pics of my bare, breast less, scarred chest in my journal. So many people were shocked, but did it shut them up? Oh yea! But don't you know I still had a few people say they were disappointed in me for letting those idiots push me to that point. Oh well, I wasn't ashamed (too much) and it worked.

I'm rambling and my chicken alfredo is calling my name.

til next time... :)