Ignorance

I wanted to mention this in my last entry but I got ahead of myself. So, I promise this will be short. (I hope. LOL) I've been living in West Virginia now for 4 or 5 years. I can't remember when we moved here. LOL But, the entire time I've been here I have been trying to contact my brothers. Two I found and now have somewhat of a relationship with them. The third one has either been avoiding me or getting different messages than I have sent.

I got word from him a few weeks ago through my SIL and here's what he had to say. "THAT NIGGER LOVING BITCH HAD BETTER HAVE ENOUGH SENSE NOT TO COME TO MY HOUSE BECAUSE NOT ONLY WILL SHE GET HER ASS STOMPED BUT WHOEVER IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BRING HER OR COME WITH HER WILL GET IT TOO BECAUSE THE ONLY THING SHE DESERVES IS TO HAVE HER THROAT SLIT FOR SPREADING HER LEGS AND LYING DOWN TO GET KNOCKED UP BY A NIGGER."

All that coming from the brother that I haven't seen since Cameron was three years old and this same brother that carried Cameron around on his hip all day bragging on how beautiful his nephew was and spoiling him rotten by buying him whatever he wanted and more. All the while promising me and Cameron that he would always be there for us.

What a joke! And yes, it hurt me something terrible. Even more, it hurt Cameron because he heard the entire conversation before I realized he was in the room.

Wanna know what's really funny about it? My brother must not know about our great, great, great grand father who was a black man.

Dumbass biased Doctors

I went to the doctor last week and was told that I have walking pneumonia. I ended up in the ER yesterday and the doctor on duty was a total ass. They wanted to admit me but I walked out. He told me I didn't have pneumonia and that all my health problems were caused by smoking. That includes my diabetes, my high blood pressure and all of my cancer diagnosis. I'm sure, No, I know smoking contributes to it but I know good and well it didn't cause it. They even said my veins were destroyed from smoking. That's when I really got pissed and told them that my veins are destroyed because of nurses not doing a proper job of sticking them and also the fact that they have been poked so many times from the chemo treatments.

I was in so much pain I was bent over walking and I heard one of the nurses ask the doctor if he was ordering me any pain medication and he said with a snotty tone, "No, why should I give her pain medication when she's gonna walk out the door and fire up a cigarette"?

In my opinion, that's none of his damn business and it's his job to make me as comfortable as possible. Am I right?

Anyway, Remember a few entries back I mentioned a cook book called White Trash Gatherings? Well, I made a chicken and dumplings recipe from it tonight and Robert said it was the best he'd ever had. Made me feel right good! LOL

I thought today was new years eve and I started taking our Christmas tree down. I had all the ornaments off of it before I realized today is the 30th! @@ Now it's sitting there almost naked with a few strands of lights left on it. LOL Poor thing!

Here's a pic of Cameron that made me laugh until I cried.

PS- those aren't really his teeth! He'd have braces if it were, even if I had to hock everything I own. LOL

I was reading tonight in a friends journal where she mentions that the man who molested her was now a born again Christian. God forgive me for judging this man or anyone else but I have a real problem with this. Is it just me or have you also noticed that when these men get caught, they suddenly become walk the line Christians?

And how quick they are to tell you that God forgave them so we must forgive them too.

I'm all for giving second chances but I think a lot, actually 99.9 % of these men use God as a way of getting by with it.

I know of one man that started molesting his step daughter at the age of 8. I don't know how long it went on but he wasn't sorry and hadn't stopped doing it until the girl told her Mom and she confronted him. Then he was sorry.

Yea right, sorry he got caught!

Anyway, next thing you know he's "saved" and telling his wife that she has to forgive him. And she did! The daughter grew up, (full of resentment no doubt) got married and had a daughter of her own. The grand baby wasn't allowed in the house if her step grand dad was around so he ended up meeting someone online and left. A 21 year marriage over, just like that.

Now, My question to you is, if you were in love/married/or whatever with a man and you found out that in his past he molested his daughter or someone else's daughter, could you forgive him? Could you live with yourself for forgiving him?

Personally, I don't think I could forgive him just for the fact that I wouldn't be able to let it go. Every time I saw him look at a female child I would wonder if he is secretly lusting after her. I would have so many questions that I know he wouldn't wanna answer. Like, if you had an uncontrollable lust for an 8 year old girl then, how can you not have that same lustful desire now?

And, if you lust for babies how can a grown woman satisfy you? Or, If you couldn't control it then, how are you controlling it now?

It drives me nuts thinking about it. I can only imagine what it would do to me if it ever really happened to me. Thank God I had a son and to my knowledge he hasn't been molested and he is now big enough to kill the SOB stupid enough to try it.

I almost forgot. I wanted to say congratulations to Nelishia and Dirk on their engagement. Dirk, I thank God almost daily for bringing you into Nelishias life. I wish you both lots of love, hugs, laughs, joy, and a life time of happiness and togetherness.

God Bless you both!

 

 

White Trash Gatherings

Got a cookbook in the mail today titled WHITE TRASH GATHERINGS. It's got some great down home recipes and tips in it. I love the title. LOL

In my last entries comments Kim asked if Cameron got his classes switched. He did and so far, so good.

Got two Christmas cards today from Dawn and Bruce. Thank you Dawn!! Bruce doesn't read me so I'll thank him in an email.

Robert bought some movies yesterday. One of them being Pirates of the Caribbean Dead mans chest. Which was good, but I expected more. And there will be another. The other was an animated movie called Barnyard. I swear, I laughed til I cried. Ant Bully was pretty good too. It had a good lesson it it.

We went to Texas steak house yesterday and I made a pig of myself. I couldn't help it. I was starved and it was soooo good. :)

I got Robert a computer game called Call of Duty for his birthday and he was up until 6 am playing it. I guess he liked it. :)

It's a mad house in the stores and on the roads. So, if you go out, be careful. People are nuts!

Oh, and I'm down to a size 7 in pants. I've never been that small in my life!

I've got a song stuck in my head and I don't even know the name of it. The only part of the lyrics that I know is, "Up all night, sleep all day. I know what you're doing." and I keep repeating that over and over in my head. ugh!

Robert and I are getting ready to leave here in a few to go finish up the Christmas shopping.

Cameron is finally off from being grounded. None of us paid any attention to the date and he ended up being grounded a day longer than he was supposed to be. LOL

Bout killed him when he found out. {snicker}

So far I've gotten three Christmas cards. And I don't know how many I've sent but I have more to send. (Lisa Jo, Please send me your address again)

All week long I've been taking a little time out of each day to go through my dresser drawers and my closet to get rid of some clothes that I either can't wear or don't wanna wear. Now that I'm finished, I ended up with three large trash bags full of clothes that I plan on giving to the local community center.

Then yesterday I visited with my aunts Debbie and Janice who each gave me two large bags of clothes. Some of which still had the tag on them. A lot of those will go to the community center too. One bag has two very nice women's leather jackets in it but I can't wear them because they are a size 1x. Too bad because they are beautiful!

After almost two weeks the car is finally fixed. Only cost $50 plus parts.

I guess that's all I have for now.

Happy Ho Ho!! :)

 

 

An interesting way to help

 A New Jersey woman who wants to send Silly String to U.S. troops in Iraq to help them detect trip wires is accepting donations of money to help cover costs. The U.S. Postal Service will not ship the aerosol cans by air.
    Checks can be made out to St. Luke's Church, 55 Warwick Road, Statford, N.J. 08084.
    Shriver also is collecting names and addresses of soldiers and Marines in Iraq who may need Silly String. Suggestions should be sent to ron101abn@comcast.net. - Associated Press

Cameron being grounded for so long is about to drive me nuts. He doesn't have the TV or game to occupy his time so he wants to follow me around and talk, talk, talk. LOL Someone please get me some ear plugs for Christmas. :)

Then Tuesday of last week he got suspended from school for three days. UGH!!!!!!!! That gave him a five day weekend!

That also got him another three days added on to his grounding.

He's had the same teacher for two years but for different classes. Every time I've been called to the school it's been that same teacher, every time!

This time I asked him why he was the only teacher that had serious enough problems with Cameron to call me into the office. I never got an answer. Instead the principal chimed in and said, "we have notes from the other teachers" Yea, but they didn't call me into the office and they have never requested that Cameron be suspended. So, I told them that I wanted Cameron out of that class and put in another and it better be done by Monday, tomorrow. We'll see.

Every single time I've went to that office they have sat there and threatened Cameron with the Phoenix center. Basically an alternative school. I think they just wanna get rid of him because they have to put forth so much effort to accommodate him and his "special" needs.

I wonder, could they put him in the alternative school if I went against it?

This is one of his Christmas presents.

I think he's been snooping because he said earlier that he knows we have a present hid in our bedroom.

And I don't know what Robert did but when he wrapped that truck it took an entire roll of wrapping paper.

Dwelling

It's so hard not to dwell on the past and loved one's who are no longer with us during the Holidays.

The car still isn't home but now, they at least know what's wrong with it. The air conditioning pump locked up. Cameron and Robert are gone now to get the part they need and hopefully put it on. if not, it goes into the garage tomorrow.

I spent the entire day yesterday at my aunt Janice's house and then way up into the evening at my aunt Debbie's house. It was a nice visit with them both.

Found out Janice's son Dewayne and his GF are having twins. They determined from the heartbeats that one is a boy and one is a girl. The entire family is ecstatic! There's been twins and even triplets in the family before but it was many, many years ago.

One set of twins were my cousins. Both boys. One was named Phil and the other was Rex. Both committed suicide but at different times and years apart. Phil hung himself when he was 17 or 18. Rex shot himself in the head in his late 20's.

Both events were terrible but I'll always remember Phil's death because his family was neighbors with my grandma and the day he hung himself we all went over to see what was going on and I saw him lying in the floor gasping for breath or something. My granny called it the death rattle.

I sat by him while my granny gave him CPR. It didn't help.

His death was later investigated as a murder. Allegedly his step father killed him but he was never found guilty.

If not for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.

Robert went out to pick up the mail this morning and right after he left, the phone went out. Four hours later I'm pacing the floor with a bad gut feeling that something was surely wrong. It takes less than 30 minutes to go to the post office and back.

I kept checking the phone to see if it was working and when it finally was there were several messages from Robert saying he had broke down and needed me to come get him. He was froze to death by the time we got the messages and was able to get to him.

He said several people had stopped and tried to help him. One couple went and bought him a brand new starter and even put it on for him. It still wouldn't start and they wouldn't let Robert repay them. Don't see very many people like that anymore.

We had to leave the car where it broke down until tomorrow. The postmaster said we'd be lucky if we had a car to come back to. I hope no one bothers it.

I had planned on doing some more Christmas shopping tomorrow but now the entire day will no doubt be spent on his car. I hope he can fix it and I hope it isn't expensive.

The "get together"

Our family reunion was a little awkward and uncomfortable. The air was full of tension and it seemed to be more than the expected nervousness.

Everyone arrived late.

Cameron and I walked in and Vanessa, Aimee, and Renee were sitting at the table talking and looking at pictures. Everyone else was in the kitchen busy chatting and laughing.

I walked over and hugged Vanessa and Aimee then sat down at the table with them. Every time I went to speak Vanessa would interrupt me. Not wanting to cause a scene, I let it go and directed my attention else where until I heard Vanessa ask Renee if she knew for sure who Aimee's real father was.

Renee looked my way and I could feel my face start to burn. It embarrassed me.

I think myself and Renee were the only adults there that wasn't drinking. She seemed like a nice person. Her husband was nicer. More out going and friendly. They both seem to think the world of Aimee and spoil her rotten.

We took a lot of pics. I came home and printed off two 8x10's and put them in frames then wrapped them up and gave Vanessa and Aimee each a picture of them together, hugging.

I never got to spend any one on one time with Aimee and she's quiet or shy. She never spoke hardly until someone asked her a question. We've promised to stay in touch through the phone and the computer. Plus I might get to see her again at Christmas.

Vanessa said she had to pass a drug test this past Monday in order to get custody of the baby. She hasn't called to tell me the results but I already know what they are. She was smoking weed while I was there this weekend.

Her and Ace, her boyfriend had to borrow a friends vehicle and money to come see Aimee. While there they got into a big argument about money because she wanted beer and he told her it was either beer or getting back home. She wanted the beer anyway.

My cousin had to let them borrow enough money to make it home with.

He already wasn't a very happy camper because no one told him or asked him if it was OK about the plans to meet up at his house to begin with.

My sister used to be so beautiful and now she looks pale, washed out and sick. I bet she doesn't weigh 80 pounds soak n wet. She's killing herself.

family reunion photo's

I'll write about it later.

How many of me

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 5 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

 

There were 1500 named Lahoma.

Happy Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I hope your day was filled with the people you love and lots of good food.

It was just the three of us again this year. No one I invited wanted to come. Their loss! We had a great meal even if Robert waited too late to start the turkey, again. I think next year I'll do all the cooking.

I told him last night to put the turkey on as early as he possibly could because I wanted to get everything else in the oven and done in time for us to eat and I could still have time to go visit with family.

He didn't get the tukey in the oven until well after noon and we didn't get to eat until 7 pm. So, I've been a grouch all day. :) Oh, and I told his Mom that for Christmas, I wanted her to come get him. She said, "send him C.O.D.".  

Cameron and I put our lil Christmas tree up today. Only took a few minutes since it's just 4 ft tall.

My sister is on her way here from Ohio. Cameron and I'll be meeting up with her at our cousins house tomorrow and seeing my neice and her daughter for the first time in 11 years. I'll take lots of pics. Or, at least I hope to. I've had a bad feeling ever since this was planned and there has been certain topics brought up that my sister isn't comfortable with. Like her lying.

Then I found out today that my cousin knew nothing about my sister planning to come in and stay with them or the fact that we were all planning to meet up at my cousins house. She never called to see if it was ok or anything. So, cross your fingers for me and hope this all goes well. When you get drunks together like my cousin and sister, anything could happen.

 

The prayer quilt in the photo above was sent to me by my friend Wayne who I've known online for about four years or longer now. He, along with his wife and daughter made it for me and prayed over each block.

I love it.

For those that don't know, When I mention Robert, he's my companion and Cameron is my 16 year old son.

When Cameron does something wrong, like take the truck and wreck it, Robert treats me like I'm the child being punished.

I can't even put into words how that makes me feel. :(

13 years ago my sister Vanessa had a baby girl she named Aimee. She and Aimee lived with me from the time Aimee was born up until she was almost three years old. Then my sister left, moved to another state and gave Aimee up for adoption.

We hadn't seen or heard from Aimee since, until a few days ago I got a call from my cousin who said, "Guess who's standing in my living room?"

It was Aimee and she wanted to talk to me and Cameron.

When they lived with us, her and Cameron were like brother and sister. He took care of her when her mommy couldn't or wouldn't.

I'd come home from working third shift and Vanessa would be gone. My (ex) husband had to be at work two hours before I got home and the kids would be there by themselves.

Cameron told me one morning that Vanessa locks Aimee in her room and leaves her there. Then when he gets up, if Vannesa is gone, he'd let Aimee out and they'd have breakfast and watch TV together.

She was 2 1/2 and he was 6.

I came home too many times to find them alone.

That's why she took Aimee and moved away. She said she couldn't live with me because I was too controlling and bossy. 

Aimee lives in NC now with the family that adopted her. She's happy and beautiful but like anyone else who was given up for adoption, she has lots of questions. I gave her Vanessa's phone number.

First time Vanessa talks to her in all these years and she lies to her.

Vanessa had another baby a few months ago. She went the entire 9 months without any pre natal care. When the baby was born, they discovered that Vanessa had been using during her pregnancy and she never got to bring the baby home.

She told Aimee that she had a baby, but it was conveniently with a sitter each time Aimee called. Why would a new born need to be with a sitter outside the home? Especially since Vanessa doesn't have a job. Why even tell her about the baby if she's gonna lie about it?

But anyway, Aimee has called here every day since we got back in touch. Her and Cameron would talk for hours if I let them. We're gonna go see her either Wedsday or Thursday.

I stole some pics of her from her myspace page. (see above)

Bad week

It's been a really bad week here that started Sunday night. Robert and I came home from running some errands and picking up dinner to find my truck and Cameron gone. He doesn't have a permit so he isn't allowed to even sit in the truck with the keys, let a lone drive it. I helped Robert bring in the bags then I checked the phone for messages. Sure enough there was a message from my neighbor Tena saying that Cameron was at her house and for me to call her.

I called and asked to speak to Cameron. He got on the phone and I started yelling at him about driving my truck without my permission and told him to get it home, NOW!

Tena was still on the other line and she spoke up and said, Lahoma, Cameron has something to tell you. He kept saying, Mom, promise me you won't kill me. I screamed at him some more and told him to say what he had to say then get his ass and my truck home. He finally said, Mom, I wrecked the truck!

I went off! I didn't wanna hear anymore. I didn't even ask him if he was hurt. I hung up and called the police. They didn't come. Instead, the 911 operator tried to talk me out of pressing charges on him. Then when I finally got it through to her that I wanted to speak to an officer, she had one call me. He tried to talk me out of it too and then turned me over to another officer. I told that officer that, no, I didn't wanna do this to my son but that he doesn't listen to me and flat out does what he wants because he's so much bigger than I am and thinks that because he's too big to get his butt busted that there's nothing else I can do other than ground him. BUT, that I had to do this because he has to be taught a lesson.

So, they filed the report and said they would turn it over to the prosecuting attorney and it would be up to them what happens. And that Cameron would probably only be charged with joy riding. My luck, he'll get a slap on the wrist and I'll be the only one punished by paying out the rear in court cost.

Cameron didn't even get a scratch on him, but when Robert and I went to where the truck was and I saw just how bad of a wreck it was, I broke down and started crying. He could have easily been killed and the only thing that saved him was a tree. He got too close to the edge of the mountain to pass a car and the tires slipped sending the truck over the mountain and into a roll. Thank God for that tree or he would have rolled at least a half a mile to the bottom and I'd buried my son this week.

I tried to post the pics in here so you could get a good look at the damage but I keep having problems with aol file manager. So, you'll have to click view larger to get a better look.

Along with having to go to court he's also grounded from EVERYTHING for a month. All he gets to do is go to school, come home and sit in his room to only come out for food and the bathroom.

Robert's giving me hell and telling me it's my fault because I'm not harder on Cameron. That the punishment doesn't fit the crime. That I need to pack Cameron's "rags" and send him to his Dad's.  That I need to lock Cameron out of the house whenever we go some where. That I need to sell everything Cameron owns and make him pay to fix the truck. Which, I would be willing to do that but all Cameron has is a TV and a Playstation. Both of those together wouldn't even begin to fix the truck.

Robert acts like Cameron should be condemned for life.

Cameron has said over and over that he is sorry. That he has learned his lesson. Someone asked him what lesson did he learn and he said, To listen to my Mom when she says no because it's for a good reason.

Whether he's saying that because he thinks it's what I wanna hear or not is another thing. But still, I don't think it's right to treat him or talk to him daily like he has commited the worlds worst sin.

Robert even said, Well, there goes your Christmas. Which I thought was a good idea at the time but the more I think about it the more I don't wanna do that. I will not sit there and open presents Christmas morning in front of him and him not having a gift. I don't care how expensive his mistake was. If he doesn't have a Christmas, none of us will.

The next day I hugged Cameron and told him that even though I was mad enough to take everything he has, even his bed, I was thankful he was alive and still here with me. He said, I know Mom, I messed up and I'm lucky to be alive.

What would you guys do? And be honest, please! Should I sell his things and take Christmas away from him? I'm thinking that maybe I'll sell his TV so I can at least give Robert the $100 back that it cost to get the truck pulled out.

Fish and Babies

My Grandma used to say, "it's raining like pouring piss out of a boot." Meaning, it's raining hard. That's what it's doing here now and it just started about 30 mins ago. Before that, it was a beautiful warm sunny day that begged the windows to open.

We weren't allowed to call our Granny anything that sounded like Grandma. We were to call her Mommy or MommyNay. Her youngest daughter, (my aunt) Janice is the same way. I don't understand it. I'd be proud to be a grandmother, as long as it doesn't happen before I am at least 50.  : 0)

A while back in the journal I deleted, I had written about dreaming of fish and that MommyNay always said, " SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE A BABY" if you dream of fish. I had told Robert about the dream and about the pregnancy theory. (sp) He scoffed and made fun of it. Well, about two, maybe three weeks later Janice called and said Dewayne (her son) and Tonya were gonna have a baby.

Robert still laughs and say's "ya'll are silly."

First entry

I've wanted to start this first entry for some time now but couldn't. I can't stand for anyone to read over my shoulder.

I set my new computer and desk up in the dining room and right behind me are the table and chairs. It's also where Robert sits, whenever he's sitting.

I can't get a minute of privacy unless I do it while he's sleeping. Like now! LOL

Well, I kinda missed keeping a journal and since I couldn't really be me in a public one, I figured I'd try private again and be particular of who I allow to read it.

It's not like I have any big secrets. I'd just like to be able to write about my simple life without getting ridiculed.

I've had a cough for over two months that I can't get rid of. I've taken two different antibiotics and nothing has worked.

My landlord knows how easily I catch colds and things so he called yesterday to tell me that his kids and wife has a stomach virus and he wanted to warn me and for me to stick the rent on the outside of the door so he didn't have to come in direct contact with me.

And I was scared to death it would either blow away or someone would steal it. LOL

I've started my Christmas shopping. Thank God for lay away!

Anyone remember me bitching about the landlord taking my (it's really his LOL) kitchen island for his own home? Well, Robert bought me another one. :)

For the past several months Robert's been getting work done to his car. A few days ago he paid over $200 to get the passenger side mirror replaced. The very next day he backs out of the driveway, hits a pole and breaks the mirror off again.

Why do men get mad and take it out on the car when they screw up? Are they all like that?

After he calmed down he was so pitiful I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He said he almost cried. I probably would have!

This was Cameron's first year of not going trick or treating. He wanted to but I told him he was too old. He's 16! Then later I told him he could go if Franky, our neighbor went. Franky didn't go and I knew he wouldn't. He had told me earlier that he was staying home so he could talk to his GF on the phone. heehee

We didn't have any kids come by, again! Oh well, more candy for us!

Ever notice the older you get the faster time seems to go by?
There's only 50 some days left in this year.